RiffTrax: Missile to the Moon is another grade-z movie made fun by the RiffTrax crew of Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett. It seems that a scientist isn't going to be allowed to send his missle to the moon - budget cutbacks or something. When he discovers that some escapees from juvenile hall have stowed aboard, he takes off, with another scientist couple along for the ride.
Unfortunately, he stored some batteries on a high shelf and didn't secure them properly, so he is killed pretty much right off.
It's really too bad, because it turns out the moon in inhabited by sex-ay babes and no men. Of course, the queen (or "Lido") gets a hankering for the remaining male scientist, mainly because she is blind. He tries to give her the Lido Shuffle while keeping his Earth girlfriend from flipping out. Meanwhile, the bad delinquent is getting the good delinquent into trouble. And so forth.
In conclusion, of course, there is gratuitous interpretive dancing.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Keep Cranking
Crank 2: High Voltage begins where Crank leaves off: with Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) dead on the road, having fallen from a helicopter. Or is he dead? Maybe he just blinked. Suddenly (nothing in this series happens gradually), a van pulls up, and loads Chev up. He is taken to an underground clinic (in a massage parlour?), where his heart is removed and replaced with an artificial model.
It seems that an elderly Chinese crime boss, Poon Dong (David Carradine) needed a heart transplant, and Chev did survive the Chinese poison of the first movie. He will be kept alive so that other organs (below the belt, hint, hint) can be harvested. Of course, he breaks free. Of course, his artificial battery pack runs down. Of course, he can recharge it through:
My favorite bit has Chev and his nemesis in black-and-white, with Rondo Hatton acromegaly facial prostheses battling each other as colossal beasts in a power substation - sweet tribute to The Brute Man and War of the Colossal Beast.
Really, I don't know why I bothered to review this. If you liked Crank, I expect you'll like this too.
It seems that an elderly Chinese crime boss, Poon Dong (David Carradine) needed a heart transplant, and Chev did survive the Chinese poison of the first movie. He will be kept alive so that other organs (below the belt, hint, hint) can be harvested. Of course, he breaks free. Of course, his artificial battery pack runs down. Of course, he can recharge it through:
- Jumper cables from a car battery
- Body friction from public sex
- Getting tasered
- And so forth
My favorite bit has Chev and his nemesis in black-and-white, with Rondo Hatton acromegaly facial prostheses battling each other as colossal beasts in a power substation - sweet tribute to The Brute Man and War of the Colossal Beast.
Really, I don't know why I bothered to review this. If you liked Crank, I expect you'll like this too.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Black and Blacker
The Act of Violence / Mystery Street double bill turned out to be a very good deal.
We started with Mystery Street, a 1950 John Sturges (Magnificent Seven) procedural. It starts with a look at the life of a bar girl trying to get something out of a man on Cape Cod. She leaves a pretty big trail - she lets people overhear her phone conversations, writes down his phone number, even hijacks a drunk so she can take his car out to the Cape. That's the last we see of her.
About 6 months later, an unidentified skeleton turns up on the beach. It's Barnstable's youngest detective's job to find out who the skeleton was, and how it died. This detective is Ricardo Montalban ("Kha-a-a-a-a-n!").
They only put in two lines to justify a Hispanic detective in old New England - he says he's been working with the Portuguese (a big fishing community in the area). And when a New Englander from a pre-Mayflower family tries to give him attitude, he puts him right in his place.
He teams up with a Harvard doctor, doing some early CSI-style forensics. Little by little, he traces the skeleton to the girl, and then it all breaks open. It's a well done little film with some fun characters (Elsa Lanchester as an evil landlady), nice location filming around Harvard and Bunker Hill, and a strong story. Worth watching.
Next, Act of Violence (1948) with Van Heflin as a successful business, a war veteran with a wife and young son. He will soon meet up with Robert Ryan, a war "buddy", crippled, bitter and contemplating violence. What is the dark secret of his past? What will he do to keep it secret?
This one starts out tense, but ratchets the tension way up to the sticking point, as Heflin gets more and more desperate. He meets up with b-girl Mary Astor, who might help him out or get him in deeper. She shows a lot of courage in this role, looking nice but roughly used, hopeful and despairing at once.
The outcome is inevitable and somewhat ridiculous, but at least it ends the tension.
We started with Mystery Street, a 1950 John Sturges (Magnificent Seven) procedural. It starts with a look at the life of a bar girl trying to get something out of a man on Cape Cod. She leaves a pretty big trail - she lets people overhear her phone conversations, writes down his phone number, even hijacks a drunk so she can take his car out to the Cape. That's the last we see of her.
About 6 months later, an unidentified skeleton turns up on the beach. It's Barnstable's youngest detective's job to find out who the skeleton was, and how it died. This detective is Ricardo Montalban ("Kha-a-a-a-a-n!").
They only put in two lines to justify a Hispanic detective in old New England - he says he's been working with the Portuguese (a big fishing community in the area). And when a New Englander from a pre-Mayflower family tries to give him attitude, he puts him right in his place.
He teams up with a Harvard doctor, doing some early CSI-style forensics. Little by little, he traces the skeleton to the girl, and then it all breaks open. It's a well done little film with some fun characters (Elsa Lanchester as an evil landlady), nice location filming around Harvard and Bunker Hill, and a strong story. Worth watching.
Next, Act of Violence (1948) with Van Heflin as a successful business, a war veteran with a wife and young son. He will soon meet up with Robert Ryan, a war "buddy", crippled, bitter and contemplating violence. What is the dark secret of his past? What will he do to keep it secret?
This one starts out tense, but ratchets the tension way up to the sticking point, as Heflin gets more and more desperate. He meets up with b-girl Mary Astor, who might help him out or get him in deeper. She shows a lot of courage in this role, looking nice but roughly used, hopeful and despairing at once.
The outcome is inevitable and somewhat ridiculous, but at least it ends the tension.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Some Thing
If anybody reading this knows our friend Tippy, tell him we finally watched The Thing. In the 80's, he offered to show us this on tape, but promised to fast forward straight to the gross stuff. We declined his kind offer, but he went right ahead. It didn't take much fast forwarding to get to the gross stuff. I think we finally got him to stop the tape, or maybe we fainted.
We have been afraid to look at it since. But since we've become such big John Carpenter fans (They Live, Ghosts of Mars, etc) we finally decided to go for it. Good choice.
The story is based on a hoary old John W. Campbell short, "Who Goes There?", and to a lesser degree, Howard Hawks' 1951 The Thing from Another World. A dog comes running into an isolated Antarctic research post, being chased by some Norwegians in a helicopter. The copter crashes and the dog turns out to be... OK, I'll skip the spoilers. But there are blood and guts, canine, human, and inhuman.
The movie bears a strong resemblance to Alien: the funky, lazy slacker crew, the tension, and the disgusting special effects. It also seems to have a stronger script, a bigger budget and tighter production than a lot of his films. In fact, it might be his masterpiece. (But I think I still like They Live better.)
Anyway, thanks Tippy. Sorry we were such wimps.
We have been afraid to look at it since. But since we've become such big John Carpenter fans (They Live, Ghosts of Mars, etc) we finally decided to go for it. Good choice.
The story is based on a hoary old John W. Campbell short, "Who Goes There?", and to a lesser degree, Howard Hawks' 1951 The Thing from Another World. A dog comes running into an isolated Antarctic research post, being chased by some Norwegians in a helicopter. The copter crashes and the dog turns out to be... OK, I'll skip the spoilers. But there are blood and guts, canine, human, and inhuman.
The movie bears a strong resemblance to Alien: the funky, lazy slacker crew, the tension, and the disgusting special effects. It also seems to have a stronger script, a bigger budget and tighter production than a lot of his films. In fact, it might be his masterpiece. (But I think I still like They Live better.)
Anyway, thanks Tippy. Sorry we were such wimps.
Dragon Food
I rewatched Dragon Inn mainly for one scene. I'll get to that.
The plot: Bad guys eunuchs, blah blah, good guys MacGuffin, blah blah blah. They wind up at the Dragon Inn, a desert outpost near the western border. Dragon Inn is a filthy roadhouse, run by sexy and violent Maggie Cheung. Example: She offers a smuggler access to her secret tunnel, or her love tunnel. When he tries for both, she kills him and has him butchered for the "spicy meat buns".
To this honky tonk come good guys Brigit Lin, Tony Leung Ka Fai, et al. Lin is as beautiful as Cheung, but as upstanding as Cheung is loose. You know they will have to fight. So Cheung finds Lin in the bath and starts to taunt her. Lin, in the nude and at a loss, attacks Cheung and steals a piece of clothing. The fight ends up with Lin dressed and Maggie Cheung nude on the roof of the inn, singing as the sun rises.
There are a lot of fights, melees, cavalry/archery attacks, etc. The style is fantastic wire-work, often in slo-mo. The non-action scenes are generally just as beautiful. The plot, which I mocked, is top-notch, not too simplistic or impossible to follow. This is a good one.
In conclusion: Brigit Lin, Maggie Cheung and enough clothes for only one of them.
The plot: Bad guys eunuchs, blah blah, good guys MacGuffin, blah blah blah. They wind up at the Dragon Inn, a desert outpost near the western border. Dragon Inn is a filthy roadhouse, run by sexy and violent Maggie Cheung. Example: She offers a smuggler access to her secret tunnel, or her love tunnel. When he tries for both, she kills him and has him butchered for the "spicy meat buns".
To this honky tonk come good guys Brigit Lin, Tony Leung Ka Fai, et al. Lin is as beautiful as Cheung, but as upstanding as Cheung is loose. You know they will have to fight. So Cheung finds Lin in the bath and starts to taunt her. Lin, in the nude and at a loss, attacks Cheung and steals a piece of clothing. The fight ends up with Lin dressed and Maggie Cheung nude on the roof of the inn, singing as the sun rises.
There are a lot of fights, melees, cavalry/archery attacks, etc. The style is fantastic wire-work, often in slo-mo. The non-action scenes are generally just as beautiful. The plot, which I mocked, is top-notch, not too simplistic or impossible to follow. This is a good one.
In conclusion: Brigit Lin, Maggie Cheung and enough clothes for only one of them.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Magic Afoot!
If you are not familiar with Terry Pratchett, perhaps we should all wait until you've gone out, bought The Color of Magic, come back and read it, and then proceed. Or we can just note that his 35+ Discworld books are all-time topsellers in England, and are well-loved the world over. They take place on a world that is a flat disc on the back of four elephants, on the back of the great turtle Atu'in, where magic works. They are hilarious, thought-provoking and addictive - and there are a ton of them. If you like Hitchhiker's Guide, imagine if Douglas Adams had written 30 more books just as funny.
If you do know Terry Pratchett (and to know him is to love him), maybe you didn't know that he has a few made-for-tv Discworld movies out, like The Color of Magic.Well, he does.
It's hard to say how funny this would be to people who haven't read the books, but to me, it is hilarious. There are a few name actors:
Best of all, this movie comes in 2 parts, each over 90 minutes long. Three hours of prime Pratchett.
Even better, there's another in the series, based on the holiday-themed Hogfather. We'll queue that up in December.
In conclusion, watch for Pratchett's cameo as Astrogeographer 2.
If you do know Terry Pratchett (and to know him is to love him), maybe you didn't know that he has a few made-for-tv Discworld movies out, like The Color of Magic.Well, he does.
It's hard to say how funny this would be to people who haven't read the books, but to me, it is hilarious. There are a few name actors:
- Tim Curry as Trymon, a sorceror advancing rapidly through the ranks at the Unseen University, because his seniors seem to die a lot
- Christopher Lee as the voice of Death
- Jeremy Irons as the deadly Patrician, ruler of Ankh-Morpork
- Sean Astin (Sam Gamgee) as Twoflower, the first Tourist the Discworld has ever known
Best of all, this movie comes in 2 parts, each over 90 minutes long. Three hours of prime Pratchett.
Even better, there's another in the series, based on the holiday-themed Hogfather. We'll queue that up in December.
In conclusion, watch for Pratchett's cameo as Astrogeographer 2.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tropical Snow
Man, was it hot last Saturday. But you know my solution to that, right? Frozen cocktails!
I've mentioned the concept of a neige before (although I spelled it "nieve", because I don't know French or maybe I thought it was Spanish) - as far as I can tell, this culinary terminology was invented by me, but not the technique. Basically, you freeze a sweetened liquid, "fluffing" it to break up the ice crystals every now and then. The sugar prevents it from freezing hard as well. The results is a light, dry, fluffy cloud of goodness.
I made this batch by mixing 1/2 pineapple, 1/2 mango juice, filling a clean plastic yogurt container about 1/2 full. I stuck it in the freezer and every now and then stirred it with a fork. The first time, there was barely any ice. The next time, it was about 1/3 frozen. Then left it overnight and in the morning it was pretty frozen. So I dug the fork in and stirred it all around.
I've done this before, and found a solid, un-fluffable block of ice. I think using extra-sweet juice helps - the sugar retards ice crystal formation. This time it came out perfect.
So I had some pineapple/mango snow. I spooned some into a martini glass and added:
I've mentioned the concept of a neige before (although I spelled it "nieve", because I don't know French or maybe I thought it was Spanish) - as far as I can tell, this culinary terminology was invented by me, but not the technique. Basically, you freeze a sweetened liquid, "fluffing" it to break up the ice crystals every now and then. The sugar prevents it from freezing hard as well. The results is a light, dry, fluffy cloud of goodness.
I made this batch by mixing 1/2 pineapple, 1/2 mango juice, filling a clean plastic yogurt container about 1/2 full. I stuck it in the freezer and every now and then stirred it with a fork. The first time, there was barely any ice. The next time, it was about 1/3 frozen. Then left it overnight and in the morning it was pretty frozen. So I dug the fork in and stirred it all around.
I've done this before, and found a solid, un-fluffable block of ice. I think using extra-sweet juice helps - the sugar retards ice crystal formation. This time it came out perfect.
So I had some pineapple/mango snow. I spooned some into a martini glass and added:
- Rum and a little mac nut liqueur for a kind of mai-tai
- Tequila, triple sec and lime for a kind of margarita
- Gin, Cherry Heering and Benedictine for a Singapore Sling
- Malibu rum and St. Germain with a little lime for a tropical fantasy
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