Room Reno

It was funny  watching The Doorman (2020) right after Hokum. Both take place mostly in a closed hotel. Not many other similarities. This is your basic one-woman army action movie. 

It starts with our heroine, Ruby Rose, as one of the guards in a limo convoy for a high government official and her young daughter. They are ambushed and massacred. Only she survives. Then she wakes up. SPOILER - this has pretty much nothing to do with the rest of the movie, it just establishes that she has PTSD.

Since she is apparently out of the Army, she needs a new job. Her uncle is a handyman in a New York hotel and gets her a job as doorman. The other doorman is a cheerful Slav played by Aksel Henning. Since the hotel is being closed for renovation, the job will be pretty easy. 

It turns out that her brother-in-law (Rupert Evans) is living in the hotel with his young daughter and teen son. The wife, Rose's sister, is dead, and she is not in communication with them. Her uncle set her up for a reconciliation. She does meet and the little girl is so cute, she agrees to have Easter dinner with them. The hotel will be closed, leaving with only this family staying over for the holiday and an older couple who can't easily move.

And so, with everyone else out, Rose comes in with a pie, and Henning kills her uncle in the locker room. Then he invites in Jean Reno and a group of thugs. He has business with that old couple. The old man has some paintings that he wants. The hitch is that he has had a stroke and can't remember where they are hidden. So this may take a while. And the search may include Rose's family's apartment. 

The rest is pretty rote. Some cat-and-mouse stuff. The little girl is taken hostage. The teen learns that fighting is hard. The hotel is locked up and comms are cut so our heroes can't get out or call for help. And so on. 

Reno is that well-mannered, world-weary and ruthless criminal. He also seems pretty checked out - doesn't really light up the screen. Henning is pretty good as a fun seeming guy who is a total killer. I like Rose a lot. She looks fierce and credible in her fight scenes. 

But, let's face it. This isn't a great movie. It is nicely stripped down - maybe could have stripped out the prologue - but doesn't break new ground. Oh well, I like a female-led action films, even when they let me down. But here's a question - does this count since Ruby Rose is gender fluid?

Maybe this should go into the "blue-collar occupation titled action movies" genre, like The Courier, The Mechanic and The Beekeeper. 

Haunted Hotel

Ms. Spenser has a cold, which means she doesn't have the strength to work, which means she gets to watch a movie - a horror movie: Hokum (2026).

Hokum starts in a desert. A conquistador with a treasure map in a bottle is trekking a wasteland, followed by a boy. When he feels he is close, he finds out that he can't get the map out of the bottle - and he can't break the bottle because everything around is soft. So he has the kid turn around, and gets ready to use his skull to break the bottle.

Then you find out that this is a story, being written by Scott Adams. He lives in a sterile, modernist house, and he's stuck on the ending. He decides that it's time to spread his parents ashes, and decides on Ireland, in a place where they were happy.

He shows up in Ireland at a little hotel and is immediately a jerk to everyone - the desk clerk, the owner telling ghost stories to the kids, the bellboy, the groundskeeper killing the goats that keep getting up on the parked cars. He is only civil to Fiona (Florence Ordesh), the bartender. She even helps him figure out the exact location of a great tree his parents visited. 

Out in the forest, he finds the tree and leaves his parents ashes - then discovers that he has an audience. An old hippie or bum (David Wilmot) is watching him, sipping magic mushrooms in goat's milk. Seems nice.

Back at the hotel, the bellboy chats with him, and tries to get him to read his book. Scott is dismissive, and finally burns the back of the bellboys hand to get him to leave. Later, when Ordesh wants to return his tape recorder, she finds him hanged in his room. She cuts him down.

He wakes up in hospital, happy to be alive. He wants to thank Ordesh, but she's been missing since Halloween. Wilmot, the hippie, is suspected. But when Scott meets Wilmot, he thinks she is being held captive in the hotel, possibly in the honeymoon suite. 

Now, the honeymoon suite has been locked up for a few years, possibly to keep a witch in. But as the hotel is going to be closed and empty for the off season, Jerry proposes that they sneak in when everyone has left and find Ordesh. 

As you can imagine, they get locked in, and the hotel is not empty. There is at least one human villian, and more than likely, some who are not human. 

It's more than a little weird watching Scott in a non-comic role. He starts out so obnoxious, you wonder if you should be laughing. In fact, a lot of the movie is sort of maybe funny, before it gets hairy. 

And it gets quite hairy. As usual, the witch is the least of the problems - it's the humans that are really evil (Ms. Spenser is tired of this, and prefers real ghosts and monsters). The setting, an old hotel with some hidden features, is used pretty effectively. I have to say, there isn't a lot of Irishism going on, but that's probably for the best. At the risk of spoiling -SPOILER- there is a possible explanation for all the odd stuff going on - mushroom milk. 

And in the end, Scott re-writes the end to his story. The conquistador offers his own head to break the bottle and he and the kid embrace. 

Down by the Ocean

I'd never heard of Celebration at Big Sur (1971) before I saw a mention on Reddit. So I looked it up on Youtube, and there it was. It was a commercially released film about a folk/rock concert that took place at Esalen about a month after Woodstock. The stars included Joan Baez, CSNY, and Joni Mitchell, but they weren't the only stars.

Esalen, by the way, is a holistic study center in Big Sur. They held a small yearly folk-oriented festival, but the one in 1969 generated a lot of interest, due to the sensation that was Woodstock. Because it's sort of perched on a steep slope above the ocean, there was only room for a few hundred people. There was no publicity, and tickets were an outrageous $4. Thousands showed up and camped out on the shoulders of Rt. 1. Surprisingly, the outsiders were pretty well-behaved.

Joan Baez sang a few autobiographical songs: Song for David, about her husband jailed for antiwar activism, and Sir Galahad, about her sister Mimi's second husband. CSNY does a rocking version of Sea of Madness, and Down by the River, and Stephen Stills does a solo acoustic 4+20. John Sebastian sings I'll Paint Rainbows All Over Your Blues. Joni Mitchell sings Woodstock (first performance?), although I question her choice to end with some scat-yodelling. Mimi Farina and Julie Payne do Changes, and Carol Cisneros does a nice Mexican tune, Malaguena Salerosa. 

The hottest act, however, was Dorothy Combs Morrison and the Combs Sisters. They are sometimes credited as the Edwin Hawkins Singers, but I think that's because she sang Oh Happy Day with them. She is a strong gospel singer and sings three or four songs, including Oh Happy Day.

Mixed in with the music are behind the scenes vignettes and "interviews" with some of the non-attendants outside the venue. "Interviews" in quotes, because mostly they sorted of pointed the camera at them and let them rap. A science teacher in face paint talked about teaching in schools and on the road. He liked schools because he gets paid and has tenure. But he has painted his school bus (with a big "Woodstock") and plans to teach on the road. He has a little boy playing harmonica so he can dance during the discussion. "Twanger guy" played two notes on his little folk instrument and kind of improvised a blues tune about visiting his friend in LA and driving up to Big Sur. 

Twanger guy also talks about how tickets should be free. Inside, a disturbed man rails against greedy musicians getting paid for the concert, so Stephen Stills comes down to discuss it with him. It doesn't go well. 

There's also a scene in the hot springs bath that Esalen is famous for, with some far-out harmony singing. One person, not a fan of the baths, calls them smelly, sulferous, and hot. In another, someone spots a whale in the ocean, and everyone crowds around the cliff-side, rather dangerously. And so on.

I wish we got to hear more of the music. It was pretty hot. All the stuff with the fans and outsiders was actually kind of fun - at least I liked it. But I'd rather hear more Joni Mitchell. 

One for Me

I mainly watched The Three Musketeers: Milady (2023) for completeness sake. It's a sequel, and I wasn't completely sold by the first entry. WAs this one better, or was I just in the right mood. 

It starts where the last one left off: Constance (Luna Khoudri) has been kidnapped and D'Artagnan (Francois Civil) knocked out. He wakes up, captive of Gaston, the King's younger brother and main villain of the piece. He escapes and goes off to search for Constance. He thinks he's found her, but it turns out to be Milady (Eva Green), shackled and chained. She promises that she can help him find Constance, so he breaks her out. Of course, she tries to seduce him, but he stays faithful to his Constance. 

After a few more fights, she tries again, literally ripping her bodice off. This time, he doesn't resist as hard - until he sees the fleur de lis branded on her shoulder. He then realizes that she is Athos' treacherous wife, supposedly dead.

Meanwhile, Aramis discovers that his sister, now a nun, is pregnant. He decides that the father is a soldier now fighting at La Rochelle. In fact, many of the characters decide that the next step is towards La Rochelle. 

The main thing I liked about this entry is the fights. There were lots of long, no cut, handheld scenes. These were well choreographed as well as well shot. The plots were a bit complex - maybe I need to more versed in French history. But Milady made a great femme fatale, sympathetic until she tried to kill you. Constance is missing from most of the movie, so she's not as much fun. 

And if you don't mind a SPOILER, it ends with Athos' son captured. So I guess there is space for a third entry. 

The Ghost Who Walks

I rewatched The Phantom (1996) because I wanted to see if it was as bad as it's considered - including by me. 

It stars Billy Zane as the Phantom, Kit Walker. The movie's prologue tells about how a young boy survived a 17th C. pirate attack off the coast of Africa. He was rescued by a Bengalla tribe who raised him to fight piracy and injustice. This role was passed down from father to son for generations, making it appear that the Phantom is immortal.

In the present day (well, 1930s), a gang of tomb raiders led by James Remar are driving through the jungle, Sorcerer-style. They get the skull McGuffin they were sent for, but Billy Zane in his purple skin-tight suit comes riding through the jungle on his white horse, aided by his wolf devil. There is a long, fun action scene, including a collapsing bridge and some vine swinging. In the process, we find that Remar killed Zane's father, and thinks he has come back to life.

Back in New York, plucky reporter Kristy Swanson is meeting her uncle Bill Smitrovich, a newspaper publisher in cozy walnut paneled rooms. She wants to investigate the shadowy business man Treat Williams. A spiderweb symbol links him to pirates in Bengalla, so she gets a plane to Africa. Unfortunately, thee pirates are now air pirates.

The pirates, led by sultry Catherine Zeta Jones, forces them down, and takes them to her Bengalla hideout. So now we've got two sexy women for the Phantom to dally with. 

When he gets Swanson back to New York, we find out that in his civilian identity, he went to school with Swanson, and they had a fling. But the smoldering attraction must wait on some more McGuffin related adventures.

This movie has a bunch of great action scenes, including a jump from seaplane pontoon to galloping horse. There are some beautiful jungle settings, great second unit photography, and the New York scenes have a lovely old-timey upper class warmth. The cast is great, including Patrick McGoohan as the ghost of Zane's character, and Samantha Eggar as Swanson's mother. There are even a couple of great animal actors. So why wasn't this great? There were air pirates, for goodness sake.

Well, Zane looked more than a bit goofy in the skin-tight purple outfit. But I think the main problem was that it was originally planned for Joe Dante, and he co-wrote a campy script. When he lost the film (due to budget issues), the new director, Simon Wincer, didn't seem to realize that it was supposed to be silly. With a little more self-awareness, it might have worked. There are still some humor, and we don't want Zane winking at the camera, but this needed to take itself less seriously or more. 

Still pretty fun. This is one of the movies that were chasing the success of Dick Tracy. Like The Shadow and The Rocketeer, it didn't quite work - but it's still worth watching. 

Selling Drugs in the Community

I love Michael Jai White, so I watch a random movie of his every now and then. Most recently, Oscar Shaw (2026).

Shaw (White) is a retired police detective. We meet him meditating at home, then dressing in a nice suit, boutonniere and everything. He walks down to the neighborhood bar to chat with the bartender (Isiah Washington), another retired cop. He meets up with his retired ex-partner Tyrese Gibson, who is meeting with a suave Cuban-cigar passing-out Columbian (who will surely turn out to be the big villain). 

But all is not well in his town. A Korean grocery store is held up, one owner killed, and a young woman kidnapped. He decides to investigate on his own, and try to find her. His sister wants him to let the police take care of it, but he won't talk to them. The chief forced him out of his position, making him take the fall for internal corruption. We see drug dealing and shootouts in the street, and like someone says to White, "things were safer when you were on the job."

I'm not going to run down the plot. This is a pretty lurid movie, with a lot of violence. And White, with his classy outfit, calm competence and meditation, is a great presence, maybe a bit over the top. But here's the problem: there is almost no fighting in this. He does disarm and shoot a roomful of baddies, but it ends with him disarming one last gunman by talking him out of it. Nice touch, but I want to see this talented martial artist dance.

I guess this was a fine movie, but without White's presence, I wouldn't have bothered. In fact, if I'd know they'd left out his martial artistry, I probably wouldn't have bothered. I'm seeing more of these movies (like Dead Zone), and it's bumming me out. I'll be more careful from here on out. 

The Apple, My Eye

I've listened to several bad movie podcasts about The Apple (1980). Or maybe just one, but it was such a bad movie, it seemed like several.

It's basically a near-future disco dystopia. The future seems to be controlled by the Global Vision Song Contest (an expansion of the Euro Vision?). An evil impressario called Mr. Boogalow (Vladek Sheybal) controls it from behind the scenes, along with a flamboyant Ruby Rod type producer. Their band is called BIM. They make a sort of neo-fascist disco new wave music, very popular with the kids. But the Canadian entry is an acoustic duet made up of Alphie (George Gilmour) and Bibi (Catherine Mary Stewart). They sing a sweet and heartfelt ballad, which would have beaten BIM, if they weren't sabotaged.

So Boogalow decides to co-opt them, and invites them to a big, decadent after-party. Alphie isn't into it, but Bibi is. Soon, Bibi is singing for BIM and Alphie is out. He is living in a tiny apartment, renting from Mariam Margoyles (Nursie from Blackadder). She convinces him to go after Bibi. 

He gets her free from the BIMsters, and they follow an old hippy into a cave below an underpass. After some time, during which Alphie grows a beard and Bibi has a baby, Mr. Boogalow finds them, and wants Bibi to finish her contract. What will they do?

OK, you asked for it. SPOILER - The old hippie shows up driving a Rolls-Royce through the sky. He is now cleaned up and called Mr. Topps. And he takes all the good people up to heaven, because he is the creator of the universe, and he's going to try again. This time without the evil Mr. Boogalow and his Apple (which really doesn't do much in this story). 

Well, this is a pretty incoherent story, but also, the music is quite bad. The dystopian aspect include cheap hologram BIM stickers that you are required by law to put on your face. So evil, so trendy. This is a Cannon film, written and directed by Menachem Globus. Let me tell you, he's no Roger Corman.