One for Me

I mainly watched The Three Musketeers: Milady (2023) for completeness sake. It's a sequel, and I wasn't completely sold by the first entry. WAs this one better, or was I just in the right mood. 

It starts where the last one left off: Constance (Luna Khoudri) has been kidnapped and D'Artagnan (Francois Civil) knocked out. He wakes up, captive of Gaston, the King's younger brother and main villain of the piece. He escapes and goes off to search for Constance. He thinks he's found her, but it turns out to be Milady (Eva Green), shackled and chained. She promises that she can help him find Constance, so he breaks her out. Of course, she tries to seduce him, but he stays faithful to his Constance. 

After a few more fights, she tries again, literally ripping her bodice off. This time, he doesn't resist as hard - until he sees the fleur de lis branded on her shoulder. He then realizes that she is Athos' treacherous wife, supposedly dead.

Meanwhile, Aramis discovers that his sister, now a nun, is pregnant. He decides that the father is a soldier now fighting at La Rochelle. In fact, many of the characters decide that the next step is towards La Rochelle. 

The main thing I liked about this entry is the fights. There were lots of long, no cut, handheld scenes. These were well choreographed as well as well shot. The plots were a bit complex - maybe I need to more versed in French history. But Milady made a great femme fatale, sympathetic until she tried to kill you. Constance is missing from most of the movie, so she's not as much fun. 

And if you don't mind a SPOILER, it ends with Athos' son captured. So I guess there is space for a third entry. 

The Ghost Who Walks

I rewatched The Phantom (1996) because I wanted to see if it was as bad as it's considered - including by me. 

It stars Billy Zane as the Phantom, Kit Walker. The movie's prologue tells about how a young boy survived a 17th C. pirate attack off the coast of Africa. He was rescued by a Bengalla tribe who raised him to fight piracy and injustice. This role was passed down from father to son for generations, making it appear that the Phantom is immortal.

In the present day (well, 1930s), a gang of tomb raiders led by James Remar are driving through the jungle, Sorcerer-style. They get the skull McGuffin they were sent for, but Billy Zane in his purple skin-tight suit comes riding through the jungle on his white horse, aided by his wolf devil. There is a long, fun action scene, including a collapsing bridge and some vine swinging. In the process, we find that Remar killed Zane's father, and thinks he has come back to life.

Back in New York, plucky reporter Kristy Swanson is meeting her uncle Bill Smitrovich, a newspaper publisher in cozy walnut paneled rooms. She wants to investigate the shadowy business man Treat Williams. A spiderweb symbol links him to pirates in Bengalla, so she gets a plane to Africa. Unfortunately, thee pirates are now air pirates.

The pirates, led by sultry Catherine Zeta Jones, forces them down, and takes them to her Bengalla hideout. So now we've got two sexy women for the Phantom to dally with. 

When he gets Swanson back to New York, we find out that in his civilian identity, he went to school with Swanson, and they had a fling. But the smoldering attraction must wait on some more McGuffin related adventures.

This movie has a bunch of great action scenes, including a jump from seaplane pontoon to galloping horse. There are some beautiful jungle settings, great second unit photography, and the New York scenes have a lovely old-timey upper class warmth. The cast is great, including Patrick McGoohan as the ghost of Zane's character, and Samantha Eggar as Swanson's mother. There are even a couple of great animal actors. So why wasn't this great? There were air pirates, for goodness sake.

Well, Zane looked more than a bit goofy in the skin-tight purple outfit. But I think the main problem was that it was originally planned for Joe Dante, and he co-wrote a campy script. When he lost the film (due to budget issues), the new director, Simon Wincer, didn't seem to realize that it was supposed to be silly. With a little more self-awareness, it might have worked. There are still some humor, and we don't want Zane winking at the camera, but this needed to take itself less seriously or more. 

Still pretty fun. This is one of the movies that were chasing the success of Dick Tracy. Like The Shadow and The Rocketeer, it didn't quite work - but it's still worth watching. 

Selling Drugs in the Community

I love Michael Jai White, so I watch a random movie of his every now and then. Most recently, Oscar Shaw (2026).

Shaw (White) is a retired police detective. We meet him meditating at home, then dressing in a nice suit, boutonniere and everything. He walks down to the neighborhood bar to chat with the bartender (Isiah Washington), another retired cop. He meets up with his retired ex-partner Tyrese Gibson, who is meeting with a suave Cuban-cigar passing-out Columbian (who will surely turn out to be the big villain). 

But all is not well in his town. A Korean grocery store is held up, one owner killed, and a young woman kidnapped. He decides to investigate on his own, and try to find her. His sister wants him to let the police take care of it, but he won't talk to them. The chief forced him out of his position, making him take the fall for internal corruption. We see drug dealing and shootouts in the street, and like someone says to White, "things were safer when you were on the job."

I'm not going to run down the plot. This is a pretty lurid movie, with a lot of violence. And White, with his classy outfit, calm competence and meditation, is a great presence, maybe a bit over the top. But here's the problem: there is almost no fighting in this. He does disarm and shoot a roomful of baddies, but it ends with him disarming one last gunman by talking him out of it. Nice touch, but I want to see this talented martial artist dance.

I guess this was a fine movie, but without White's presence, I wouldn't have bothered. In fact, if I'd know they'd left out his martial artistry, I probably wouldn't have bothered. I'm seeing more of these movies (like Dead Zone), and it's bumming me out. I'll be more careful from here on out. 

The Apple, My Eye

I've listened to several bad movie podcasts about The Apple (1980). Or maybe just one, but it was such a bad movie, it seemed like several.

It's basically a near-future disco dystopia. The future seems to be controlled by the Global Vision Song Contest (an expansion of the Euro Vision?). An evil impressario called Mr. Boogalow (Vladek Sheybal) controls it from behind the scenes, along with a flamboyant Ruby Rod type producer. Their band is called BIM. They make a sort of neo-fascist disco new wave music, very popular with the kids. But the Canadian entry is an acoustic duet made up of Alphie (George Gilmour) and Bibi (Catherine Mary Stewart). They sing a sweet and heartfelt ballad, which would have beaten BIM, if they weren't sabotaged.

So Boogalow decides to co-opt them, and invites them to a big, decadent after-party. Alphie isn't into it, but Bibi is. Soon, Bibi is singing for BIM and Alphie is out. He is living in a tiny apartment, renting from Mariam Margoyles (Nursie from Blackadder). She convinces him to go after Bibi. 

He gets her free from the BIMsters, and they follow an old hippy into a cave below an underpass. After some time, during which Alphie grows a beard and Bibi has a baby, Mr. Boogalow finds them, and wants Bibi to finish her contract. What will they do?

OK, you asked for it. SPOILER - The old hippie shows up driving a Rolls-Royce through the sky. He is now cleaned up and called Mr. Topps. And he takes all the good people up to heaven, because he is the creator of the universe, and he's going to try again. This time without the evil Mr. Boogalow and his Apple (which really doesn't do much in this story). 

Well, this is a pretty incoherent story, but also, the music is quite bad. The dystopian aspect include cheap hologram BIM stickers that you are required by law to put on your face. So evil, so trendy. This is a Cannon film, written and directed by Menachem Globus. Let me tell you, he's no Roger Corman.

Colour Me Surprised

As a big Terry Pratchett fan, I was pretty psyched to find The Colour of Magic (2008). Discovering that the cast included Sean Astin, Tim Curry (recently deceased at time of writiing), Christopher Lee and Jeremy Irons was just a bonus. 

To start off, the story takes place on Discworld, a flat planet perched on four elephants, on the back of an enormous space turtle named A'Tuin. Scientists on the edge of the world are studying A'Tuin, and are planning to launch an extra-disc space expedition to determine A'Tuin's sex. This will become important later. 

We now come to Ankh-Morpork, the disc's largest and most corrupt city. David Jason plays Rincewind, the most inept wizard in the Unseen University. We meet him as he is being expelled. While he is failing to commit suicide, he runs into Sean Astin, playing Twoflower, a Discworld's first tourist. As a tourist, he wears a bright tee-shirt and speaks slowly and loudly. He also has a trunk on feet made of Sapient Pearwood that is filled with gold coins. Rincewind quickly signs on as his tour guide. 

At the university, the wizards are all vying to improve their standing in the hierarchy, and the only way to move is "dead man's pointy shoes." Assassination abounds, and Tim Curry, Trymon, is an expert, aiming to become Arch-Chancellor. One thing he'll need it to master the greatest spellbook in the disc, the Octavo. The problem is that one of it's eight spells is gone. It lives in Rincewind's head. In fact, it fills his head to the point that he can't master any other spells. That's why he was expelled.

So, Rincewind and Twoflower are running around the disc, Twoflower trying to see the sights, Rincewind trying to stay alive. But as a tourist, Twoflower is strangely impervious to danger, and the spell in Rinceworld's head seems to protect him. He keeps running into Death, but not dying. They get accidentally launched into space (as mentioned). They run into the most feared man on the disc, Cohen the Barbarian (David Bradley, now old and toothless, but deadly as ever. He even rescues a beautiful virgin from being sacrificed, Laura Haddock. 

But there seems to be an evil red star in the sky, and it's getting bigger. If only the wizards had control of the eight spells in the Octavo to save Discworld. Oh, well.

This "movie" is actually a two part series by the BBC, directed by Vadim Jean. He also directed the earlier Hogfather. That is a "Christmas" movie (or Hogmanny) and we watch it every year. Strangely, I haven't posted about Hogfather, but I have posted about this movie! Funny, I didn't remember that we'd seen it at all. Well, it was fifteen years ago. This post doesn't really add much, but I've already written it so I'll let it stand.

Hit Me One More Time

I remembered liking the remake (?), so I thought I'd give the original a shot: Hitman (2007). This version have Timothy Olyphant as Agent 47.

The agents are children, possibly genetically modified, raised to be assassins, with a barcode tattooed on the back of the neck. Olyphant gets an assignment to kill the Russian president Ulrich Thomsen, and to do it with a splash - he prefers to make it look like an accident. He completes the mission, but his superiors tell him that Thomsen survived, and also that a bystander, Olga Kurylenko, knows too much and must be killed.

But when he meets her, he can tell she had never seen him before. Then, someone tries to kill him, and he realizes that he has been set up. Kurylenko lets him know that Thomsen uses a body double. It turns out that the double ordered the hit on the real Thomsen, so he could take his place.

So Olyphant and Kurylenko go on the run, from both Thomsen and from the law.

As an action movie, this was fine - the action was about standard. It didn't feel quite as cool as I expected, although well-dressed bald assassins are always worth a few points. The best part was seeing logical, emotionless killing machine Agent 47 finding himself feeling for Kurlyenko. He is human after all. 

But I think I like the 2015 version better. I don't know if the director, Xavier Gens, wasn't up to it, or if I liked Rupert Friend better as Agent 47. Maybe it just had a better budget.

Fall of the Roman Movie

I picked up The Last Legion (2007) thinking it was either Centurion or The Eagle. I can never remember those titles. If it wasn't, I figured it was sort of based on the same Lost Legion story. It kind of is, but mostly not. Oh well, at least Ben Kingsley is in it.

It starts by telling the myth of a famous sword, forged in Britain, to be wielded by the ruler of the Roman Empire. Then we go to Rome, and meet Thomas Brodie-Sangster, a little Roman street kid, who sneaks into General Colin Firth's tent ot check out his sword. He is caught and is about to get his hand chopped off, when Ben Kingsley shows up, does a little kung fu, and takes him back to the palace. You see, he is actually the young Caesar, about to be crowned that day.

But these are the last days of the Roman Empire, and the Goths, led by Peter Mullan, take the city. They kill Brodie-Sangster's parents and are about to kill him, when Kingsley convinces them that he will be more useful as a hostage than as a martyr. He also uses some gobbledegook about omens and curses. So the kid and Kingley sent to prison on Capri. 

But Colin Firth and a few of his legionnaires are still alive, and are on the trail. With the help of a mysterious Eastern warrior, they set him free. But where can they go? The Eastern Empire has made a deal with the Goths, all Gaul and Germania are in their power, and only the famous 9th Legion in northern England is still loyal to Rome. So off they go.

But when they get to Hadrian's Wall, they find a desolate ruin. A nearby town has nothing but British farmers - or so it seems. Some are legionnaires who have married and gone native. After all, the empire deserted them. It's a good life, but they are threatened by a local warlord called Vortgyrn. This time, will they prevail?

On paper, this sounds fine - a kid's adventure, with lots of derring-do, great actors, and exotic locales. Sadly, it is not. Although there is a lot of action, it is all completely bloodless, to stay kid friendly, I guess. Kingsley's mystical character is hobbled by having him spout all kinds of pseudo-spiritual nonsense, sometimes in extended monologues. Nobody gets much characterization, except to be super evil or noble. The mysterious Eastern warrior I mentioned turns out to be a beautiful Indian woman trained in a martial art that doesn't exist. 

There was one instance of humor that I enjoyed - Firth is ready to fight off a three or four Goths, then four or five more show up, and he's still game. When a dozen more join the fight, he does this "Oh, for the love of..." expression that got a chuckle out of me. 

The end (SPOILER - Kinglsey is Merlin. The sword is Excaliber. Brodie-Sangster is Arthur's grandfather) is not bad. I liked the fall of Rome setting. Some kids might like this. I didn't.