Four Kings

We've seen and enjoyed the first two, so we were happy to watch the third: Detective Dee: The Four Heavenly Kings (2018). We have a new actor playing Detective Dee, Mark Chao, but Carina Lau is still Empress (Regent) and Hark Tsui is still directing. 

This is a sequel to DD1, and prequel to DD2. It starts with the Emperor bestowing the Dragon Taming Mace, a legendary weapon, on Dee, and lets him know he can use it even against the imperial family, if necessary. Since empress Lau wants to be the ultimate power in China, this threatens her. So she enlists Feng Shaofeng, head of the palace guard to steal it back. He is Dee's friend, but loyal to the empire, so he agrees as long as Dee isn't hurt.

Meanwhile, she is gathering an army of sorcerers, who promise her the power she craves. She tasks them with getting the mace and killing Dee. He has gone into hiding and hidden the mace. At one point, the sorcerers are demonstrating their powers, and a dragon sculpture comes to life and starts killing people in clouds of smoke. Dee shows up in disguise and settles things, and figures out that this magic is based on illusion and mind control. 

His research turns up an ancient Indian cult with mind control powers (possibly drug assisted). and sets out to fight them. 

The whole science vs. magic and illusion is the basic theme of the Detective Dee stories, and it's fun to watch. This movie does the magic well, with the CGI improving in each movie. We get more of Dee's Investigation Bureau - a steadfast, strong and loyal crew, but maybe not as bright as Dee. The sorcerers are great villains, with grotesque costumes and weird powers. And in the end, when they are defeated, the Empress is freed from their hold and dedicates herself to the Buddha Guanyin. In fact, she's beginning to think she might be Guanyin herself, setting up the first movie. 

My only complaints: It is rather annoying that the third movie has "four" in the title - especially because the Heavenly Kings in the title aren't really in the movie. And it doesn't look like Hark Tsui is making any more of these. If he does, I'll watch them.

Taipei Drift

I got Weekend in Taipei (2024) for one reason only: Sung Kang. He's been Ms. Spenser's fave since Tokyo Drift. She was quite annoyed at how quickly he died in Ninja Assassin. But this is mostly a Luke Evans movie - or Gwei Lun-mei.

It starts with Taiwanese oligarh Sung Kang coming out of a hearing, where he is being investigated for fishing crimes. He needs to find out who the leak is. Then we meet Gwei in a little black dress and pearls, window shopping in Taipei with a cup of coffee. If you didn't get Breakfast at Tiffany's, Moon River starts up on the soundtrack. But she isn't looking for jewels, but cars. 

Since she is Sung Kang's wife, the salesman lets her test drive some super car - and she takes off like she was in Fast and Furious - Taipei Drift. Turns out she is an expert driver, which will come up later.

Her and Kang have a rough relation. They try to stay pleasant, but it's pretty brittle. It turns out that she brought a son into the marriage, and it looks like she's keeping Kang happy for his protection. 

Finally, we meet Luke Evans. He is an American DEA agent who has been getting leaks about Kang's fishing operations, when he wants to know about his drug business. He asks his boss, Pernell Walker, to be allowed to follow up, but she denies him, saying, "Remember what happened last time you went to Taipei." She also puts him on leave, so he takes off for Taipei.

I don't think I need to tell you that Evans and Gwei have a history, and that the kid is his son - and also the one who is leaking Kang's business. Also, Gwei was a driver for young Kang's dope running, while Evans was undercover. I'll let you figure out how it ends (unrealistically). 

But I have to say, we enjoyed this. It wasn't Kang's best role - he's sort of high-strung and sweaty here, when he works best as laid back. Gwei isn't exactly gorgeous, but she works as a tough, sexy driver. And I liked Evans in his role. He's getting older and craggier. He hasn't reached, say, John Bernthal levels, and his nose still hasn't been broken, but he looks like a brawler who's seen some stuff.

In a lot of ways, just your average action film with Luc Besson co-writing, along with director George Huang (Machete). But more than fun enough for us. 

Monkey(k)ing Around

I got The Monkey King 2 (2016) because I definitely saw the first one - although I'm not sure if I saw it more than once. That one has Donnie Yen as Monkey, this one has Aaron Kwok, but it's still a bit of an upgrade.

Buddhist monk Feng Shaofeng is travelling to the West to bring some scriptures back to China. He is attacked by a tiger and goes to hide in a cave. There he finds Monkey buried under the mountain, and is convinced to remove the curse that is holding him there. But Monkey finds that he is not free: Buddha Guanyin wants him to accompany Feng on his journey and protect him. He has to wear a golden circlet that will cause him pain when he tries to disobey Feng.

Soon they meet up with a vain pig demon and a blue warrior demon, who also join the quest. These protectors fight a dragon and turn it into a white horse. And they are off.

The land they are approaching is under the threat of the White Boned Demon (Gong Li), who steals little girls. Li is due to be reincarnated soon, but wants to live forever as a demon, and she thinks that eating the innocent will allow this. While Feng and friends are passing through, they will need to contend with her, and a few other perils. 

If you like Chinese fantasy, you should like this. The special effects are better that Monkey King 1, and Kwok's Monkey is maybe better than Yen's. In both cases, they do a lot of monkey business - how they walk, hold their elbows, touch their faces, generally acting like a stereotyped monkey. It doesn't always come off, but I think Kwok was a bit more natural.

But of course, the main reason I enjoyed this was the Buddhist message. If you don't mind me spoiling the end, Feng and crew do not destroy Li. While they defeat her, and Guanyin is prepared to cause her to cease existence, Feng begs that she be allowed to reincarnate one more time, for the chance that she may reform. He does this at the cost of his own life. It's very touching. 

But will they ever get those pesky scriptures to China? I guess I'll find out in Monkey King 3. 

Megalo-Bomb

Not to get off on too much of a tangent, but we've been watching a bit of QI lately on BritBox. QI is a British "panel show", which is like a game show, except all the contestants are comedians or celebs, and the quiz part is just an excuse for them to make jokes. So, John Barrowman, Capt. Jack Harkness, is on and was telling a story about his first movie. He didn't want to say what the movie was, but finally revealed it to be: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002). Which can be seen on Amazon Prime. So we did.

Barrowman is a happy-go-lucky guy who runs water security for a Mexican resort - he drives a motor boat around, I guess looking for stranded paddleboarders. Anyway, he goes out of bounds one day, where they are laying the new fiber optic cable, to dive for lobsters. On the bottom, he finds a break in the cable with a shark's tooth embedded in the shielding. Not a huge tooth, about an inch long. 

But he can't find a match for it in the shark tooth database, so he posts it online, possibly at r/sharks. In San Diego, paleontologist Jenny McShane reads the posts and heads down Mexico way.

Soon, McShane and Barrowman are hunting sharks and getting horny. There's the usual escalation: Sharks attack skinny dippers - just a sand shark. Real threat is an ancient megalodon! But it's only a baby. Momma shows up, swallows boat whole (spoiler!). The real villain, of course, is the mega corp behind the cable!

This is all very silly - similar to Piranha II. Same T&A, same Jaws-inspired "close the beaches" scene, same extremely lame SFX, same general horniness, but a little less intentionally funny. But it is pretty unintentionally funny. 

So much so that things started to feel familiar. So I looked it up, and yes, this was the topic of a How Did This Get Made podcast, a particularly hilarious one. I recommend watching this just so you can enjoy the podcast better. And for Mr. Barrowman. 

Kraven Better Movies

Well, we were warned, but we went ahead anyway. We watched Kraven the Hunter (2024). 

It starts out pretty well. Aaron Taylor-Johnson is thrown into a Russian maximum security prison - as a lifer. He is brought to a meeting with the incarcerated mob boss who runs things. In a nice little fight, he kills the boss and his cronies, then escapes from the prison and is picked up by a copter. His dialog with the handler who provided logistics lets us know that this version of Kraven hunts bad guys - arms dealers, oligarchs, the usual. 

Then we get the flashbacks. Young Kraven, played by Levi Miller, is the son of a Russian oligarch, Russell Crowe. Along with his slightly sissy brother (Billy Barrat), they have gone on a hunting safari to Africa, where Crowe hopes to bag a lion. Miller and Barrat find the lion, but Miller doesn't want to shoot - the beast is too majestic. But when Crowe wounds him, the lion grabs Miller and takes off with him, lightly killing him. 

Fortunately, a young local woman, Calypso (Diaana Babnicova) sees this and happens to have a magic healing potion. She gives him the potion, which, combined with the lion blood that got in the wound, brings him back to life and gives him animal powers.

Back in the present, ATJ finds out his brother (now played by Fred Hechinger) has been kidnapped by Alessandro Nivola, a nerdy looking guy whose skin turns impenetrable. He is the Rhino. He also brings in the Foreigner, Christopher Abbott, who clouds men's minds by counting slowly. 

So there are two threads to the movie: The family drama of two sons of an abusive, toxic, criminal father, and the superhero (or antihero, maybe?) fighting supervillains. The family stuff is probably better handled - Crow in particular does a great job. But I thought it was kind of boring. Then there's the superhero stuff, which is not that great, but is at least exciting. The villains were a bit odd: Nivola looks like an account when he isn't rhino-ed out. And he can't be Rhino for long, because it causes excruciating pain. Hechinger is a bit better - at least a little more fun. 

I guess the real problem is that this is a Sony "Spider-verse without Spider-man" picture, like Madame Web, Moribius, etc. The writing is a committee-generated mess, the CGI is lame, and they are saving the best stuff for the sequel that will never, ever come. 

It is also almost certainly the last of these. I think this is where they cut their losses. I have a very high pain threshold for comic book movies, and will watch even the lowest of them. But I won't be sorry to see these go. 

Red Heron

I guess The Boy and the Heron (2023) is the last of Miyazaki's final films. It was an odd one.

It starts with the firebombing of Tokyo during WWII. Our young protagonist, Mahito, finds that the hospital his mother is in is on fire. He rushes out in his pajamas, but of course, can't save her.

Soon after, his father moves out to the family estate in the country, and marries his previous wife's sister. Mahito's reaction to all this is a stoically angry. He doesn't take to his new aunt/mother and there's a heron on the property who keeps annoying him - although it does lead him to an overgrown, forbidden tower on the property. 

The heron gets to be more and more of a nuisance, even after Mahito shoots an arrow through its beak. Finally, it lures him to the tour, where Mahito is condemned to sink through the ground to a fantastic realm. 

There he meets up with a young fisherwoman, who takes him in. They sell fish to unborn souls, get attacked by pelicans, meet another woman who can control fire, and fight flocks of parakeets. He also discovers that the heron contains a malevolent little man with a big raspberry nose. 

That's about all the story I'm going to go through. The guy inside the heron is a fine example of where this movie loses me - maybe not loses, but confuses. What is up with that? Are herons often little evil guys in disguise? What made this one decide to pick on Mahito? What's up with the tower? Why is one of the old maids a young girl in the realm? I guess I get the part about his mother. But in general, the theme, the unity of the story escapes me. Maybe it's just a silly story.

But the fact that the real world story is so specific and personal makes that unlikely. Mahito's father is the head of an aircraft firm, building planes for Japan's war - like Miyazakis father. Miyasaki also lost his mother at an early age. 

Well, it still has the beautiful Studio Ghibli look. Mahito was interesting as a protagonist. For most of it, he has a serious, stubborn and determined look, and acts sullen and withdrawn. It makes him a little hard to get to know. But in the fantastic realm, he gets to use his determination more actively, and we warm up to him. 

Anyway, I guess we won't be seeing any more of these. I'm still a few films behind (don't want to see The Wind Rises, because War), so I can't feel too bad yet. Besides, Miyazaki-san is still alive, and he has unretired before. 

Hollywood Argylles

I mentioned a while ago that we got an Apple TV box, and that it came with three free months. Those months are over now, but not before we'd watched Argylle (2024). Written and directed by Matther Vaughan (Kingsman), It looked like a lot of fun until people saw it - then "ugh".

It starts with Henry Cavill in a 1990's Dwayne Johnson high-top haircut and goofy suit being a superspy. He is chasing Dua Lipa through a Greek village, and losing her. But his sidekick, John Cena grabs her off of her motorcycle, at the expense of letting his coffee cool down.

But this isn't the movie. This is author Bryce Dallas Howard reading from her latest spy novel. The reading is very well attended, with fans calling her the spy novel author real spies read, and wondering if she is an actual spy. But no, she is an ordinary, frumpy author, who consults with her mother (Catherine O'Hara!) about an ending for her next book. And since she is afraid to fly, she has to take a train to go visit. 

On the train, a handsome man tries to sit across from her, but she pushes him away - and regrets it. Especially when a Lebowski-esque hippy takes the seat and won't leave. After a little banter, he reveals that he is a spy, and the only person on the train not trying to kill her. Then we get a train fight - shout out to Bullet Train et al? 

They get off the train, and the hippie shaves and showers to reveal that he is Sam Rockwell. He lets Howard know that everyone wants to kill her because her books are so good, that they predict the actual state of espionage, and the bad guys (lead by Brian Cranston) don't want that. So they have to go to England.

Howard's parents follow her to England, claiming to be concerned about her safety. But her dad turns out to be Brian Cranston, and they are also part of the plot to kill her. Yes, it turns out that Howard was an agent, (named R. Kylle, get it?) who was captured and brainwashed into believing that they were her parents, and that she was just an ordinary, shy, bookish girl. 

OK, that's as far as I'm going with the story. You see, I had a certain small investment in the character Howard was playing, but it turns out to be fake. So the whole first part of the movie goes out the window. There are more twists to come, but by now, I just don't care. Remember The Tourist? 

And of course, that's not the end of the homages, references and swipes. There are all the "novelists mistaken for spies" movies - I wonder if Vaughn saw American Dreamer? He definitely saw Romancing the Stone. 

Well, it wasn't all bad. It was fun to see Samuel L. Jackson introducing the Argylle initiative (no, he didn't). And Howard's cat, along for the ride, not only survives, but gets in one of the best kills of the movie. 

The final fight sort of gives you an idea of the strengths and weaknesses of the movie. When the floor is flooded with oil, Howard straps knives to her boots, and starts skating around killing baddies. Part of her brainwashing is that she lost her memory in an iceskating competition, so that's how she got that skill. Except, that wasn't real, it was an implanted memory. Also, you can't iceskate on oil-covered concrete. 

It's too bad - this was only a few degrees off of being an empty-minded action movie with a few good twists. Maybe in the right frame of mind, I would have enjoyed it. But it's a modern streaming movie, and those hav a special kind of badness. And I wasn't in the mood.