Colour Me Surprised

As a big Terry Pratchett fan, I was pretty psyched to find The Colour of Magic (2008). Discovering that the cast included Sean Astin, Tim Curry (recently deceased at time of writiing), Christopher Lee and Jeremy Irons was just a bonus. 

To start off, the story takes place on Discworld, a flat planet perched on four elephants, on the back of an enormous space turtle named A'Tuin. Scientists on the edge of the world are studying A'Tuin, and are planning to launch an extra-disc space expedition to determine A'Tuin's sex. This will become important later. 

We now come to Ankh-Morpork, the disc's largest and most corrupt city. David Jason plays Rincewind, the most inept wizard in the Unseen University. We meet him as he is being expelled. While he is failing to commit suicide, he runs into Sean Astin, playing Twoflower, a Discworld's first tourist. As a tourist, he wears a bright tee-shirt and speaks slowly and loudly. He also has a trunk on feet made of Sapient Pearwood that is filled with gold coins. Rincewind quickly signs on as his tour guide. 

At the university, the wizards are all vying to improve their standing in the hierarchy, and the only way to move is "dead man's pointy shoes." Assassination abounds, and Tim Curry, Trymon, is an expert, aiming to become Arch-Chancellor. One thing he'll need it to master the greatest spellbook in the disc, the Octavo. The problem is that one of it's eight spells is gone. It lives in Rincewind's head. In fact, it fills his head to the point that he can't master any other spells. That's why he was expelled.

So, Rincewind and Twoflower are running around the disc, Twoflower trying to see the sights, Rincewind trying to stay alive. But as a tourist, Twoflower is strangely impervious to danger, and the spell in Rinceworld's head seems to protect him. He keeps running into Death, but not dying. They get accidentally launched into space (as mentioned). They run into the most feared man on the disc, Cohen the Barbarian (David Bradley, now old and toothless, but deadly as ever. He even rescues a beautiful virgin from being sacrificed, Laura Haddock. 

But there seems to be an evil red star in the sky, and it's getting bigger. If only the wizards had control of the eight spells in the Octavo to save Discworld. Oh, well.

This "movie" is actually a two part series by the BBC, directed by Vadim Jean. He also directed the earlier Hogfather. That is a "Christmas" movie (or Hogmanny) and we watch it every year. Strangely, I haven't posted about Hogfather, but I have posted about this movie! Funny, I didn't remember that we'd seen it at all. Well, it was fifteen years ago. This post doesn't really add much, but I've already written it so I'll let it stand.

Hit Me One More Time

I remembered liking the remake (?), so I thought I'd give the original a shot: Hitman (2007). This version have Timothy Olyphant as Agent 47.

The agents are children, possibly genetically modified, raised to be assassins, with a barcode tattooed on the back of the neck. Olyphant gets an assignment to kill the Russian president Ulrich Thomsen, and to do it with a splash - he prefers to make it look like an accident. He completes the mission, but his superiors tell him that Thomsen survived, and also that a bystander, Olga Kurylenko, knows too much and must be killed.

But when he meets her, he can tell she had never seen him before. Then, someone tries to kill him, and he realizes that he has been set up. Kurylenko lets him know that Thomsen uses a body double. It turns out that the double ordered the hit on the real Thomsen, so he could take his place.

So Olyphant and Kurylenko go on the run, from both Thomsen and from the law.

As an action movie, this was fine - the action was about standard. It didn't feel quite as cool as I expected, although well-dressed bald assassins are always worth a few points. The best part was seeing logical, emotionless killing machine Agent 47 finding himself feeling for Kurlyenko. He is human after all. 

But I think I like the 2015 version better. I don't know if the director, Xavier Gens, wasn't up to it, or if I liked Rupert Friend better as Agent 47. Maybe it just had a better budget.

Fall of the Roman Movie

I picked up The Last Legion (2007) thinking it was either Centurion or The Eagle. I can never remember those titles. If it wasn't, I figured it was sort of based on the same Lost Legion story. It kind of is, but mostly not. Oh well, at least Ben Kingsley is in it.

It starts by telling the myth of a famous sword, forged in Britain, to be wielded by the ruler of the Roman Empire. Then we go to Rome, and meet Thomas Brodie-Sangster, a little Roman street kid, who sneaks into General Colin Firth's tent ot check out his sword. He is caught and is about to get his hand chopped off, when Ben Kingsley shows up, does a little kung fu, and takes him back to the palace. You see, he is actually the young Caesar, about to be crowned that day.

But these are the last days of the Roman Empire, and the Goths, led by Peter Mullan, take the city. They kill Brodie-Sangster's parents and are about to kill him, when Kingsley convinces them that he will be more useful as a hostage than as a martyr. He also uses some gobbledegook about omens and curses. So the kid and Kingley sent to prison on Capri. 

But Colin Firth and a few of his legionnaires are still alive, and are on the trail. With the help of a mysterious Eastern warrior, they set him free. But where can they go? The Eastern Empire has made a deal with the Goths, all Gaul and Germania are in their power, and only the famous 9th Legion in northern England is still loyal to Rome. So off they go.

But when they get to Hadrian's Wall, they find a desolate ruin. A nearby town has nothing but British farmers - or so it seems. Some are legionnaires who have married and gone native. After all, the empire deserted them. It's a good life, but they are threatened by a local warlord called Vortgyrn. This time, will they prevail?

On paper, this sounds fine - a kid's adventure, with lots of derring-do, great actors, and exotic locales. Sadly, it is not. Although there is a lot of action, it is all completely bloodless, to stay kid friendly, I guess. Kingsley's mystical character is hobbled by having him spout all kinds of pseudo-spiritual nonsense, sometimes in extended monologues. Nobody gets much characterization, except to be super evil or noble. The mysterious Eastern warrior I mentioned turns out to be a beautiful Indian woman trained in a martial art that doesn't exist. 

There was one instance of humor that I enjoyed - Firth is ready to fight off a three or four Goths, then four or five more show up, and he's still game. When a dozen more join the fight, he does this "Oh, for the love of..." expression that got a chuckle out of me. 

The end (SPOILER - Kinglsey is Merlin. The sword is Excaliber. Brodie-Sangster is Arthur's grandfather) is not bad. I liked the fall of Rome setting. Some kids might like this. I didn't.

Nuts in Mayhem

I picked Mayhem (2017) up on the strength of it's category, Comedy-Horror, and its stars, Stephen Yuen and Samara Weaving. Good choice.

It opens with Yuen explaining the setup: a new virus has become pandemic. It causes a loss of all inhibitions, making people act out their every urg, including lust and anger. It turns at least one eye red, hence its nickname, Red-eye. It doesn't kill you, but someone else might. 

Yuen is a young idelaistic partner at a prestigious law firm. When they are defending a man who killed someone in the grip of the virus, he finds the loophole that leads to a ruling of diminished capacity: Someone with red-eye can't be held responsible, even for murder. So he's become a big man in the firm.

He has a meeting with Samara Weaving, representing a group of home owners being foreclosed on. Yuen basically blows her off and has security escort her out. But it turns out he has bigger problems. 

It seems there was a mistake made on the Vanda Corp account, and he is being set up to take the fall. It was probably Caroline Chikezie, known as the Siren for whispering poisonous rumors to the higher-ups. They take it to the lead partner, and long story short, Yuen is fired. The HR goon known as the Reaper comes to deliver the news and has him escorted out.

But right about now, red-eye has been detected in the air system of the building. The building is put on complete quarantine. They are trapped - and also infected. That's one of the fun parts of this movie. I had guessed that it was one of those zombie movies, where our protagonists are the only ones who aren't infected. Nope - they've got it too. And they both want revenge. And until the quarantine is lifted, they have legal immunity to do it. 

And so begins their fight to ascend to the top level, protected by key card elevators and corporate goons. They arm themselves from a tool cage. Weaving looks particularly fetching weilding a nailgun. This all plays out with pandemonium in the background - people throwing folders in the air, copulating freely, fighting or just taking a nap. And of course, our protagonists are no more sane than the rest, just a bit more calculating. 

This was a fun gore-fest with quite a bit of social satire mixed in. I liked the fact that Yuen and Weaving were as affected as everyone else. Made for a little cute humor. We've seen one other movie by director Joe Lynch, Suitable Flesh. We liked the humor in this more.

Cat Fever

I probably saw Cat Ballou (1965) once or twice as a kid, but it was Ms. Spenser who clued me into how awesome it was - because of the Greek chorus of Stubby Kaye and Nat "King" Cole.

It starts with these two banjo players waiting for Cat Ballou (Jane Fonda) to be hanged, and telling her story in ballad style. Her story starts when she gets out of school, trained as a teacher. She got on a train to go see her dad in Wyoming, when she meets a convict (Michael Callan) being taken to prison and a drunk preacher. The preacher turns out to be the uncle of Callan, (Dwayne Hickman) and he helps him get free of his guard. Callan takes refuge in Fonda's sleeper bunk. She is too kind to scream, but he does take liberties - oh, well, he's soon out the window and gone from her life forever.

Fonda gets home and finds her father (John Marley) as cantankerous as ever. But his ranch is threatened by the developers of Wolf City. His only ally is an Indian, Tom Nardini, who he considers Jewish, as the Indians were the lost tribe of Israel. Soon the outlaws show up and are enlisted to resist the developers - until a gunslinger with a silver nose (Lee Marvin) shows up. Now, they're ready to face the law.

But Nardini suggests that they hire a gunslinger of their own. Based on the Western dime novels they read, they hire Kid Shaleen (also Lee Marvin). He shows up a drunken bum, barely able to hold his gun. But a big gulp of booze sets him right, and he's a dead shot. It lasts about 10 minutes before he's too drunk to function, as Callan says, "I've never seen a man get through a day so fast."

Sadly, he is sleeping it off when Fonda's dad is shot from afar. So Fonda does the only sensible. She takes her "gang" and starts robbing trains. 

This is a fun little comedy Western. Fonda is spunky and a little sexy - all the men are clearly in love with her, although only Callan courts her openly. In fact, Nardini quietly leaves, gently letting her know that as an Indian, he needs to stay away from her. It's also just a little darker than expected, with a few deaths taken seriously. I wonder if Fonda gets the drop in the last scene?

Kicking the Gong

Of course I've seen Stephen Chao's Shaolin Soccer (2001). But I guess I've never blogged it, so here goes. I got the urge to see it again, and got it from Hoopla.

It starts with Team Evil soccer star Ng Man-Tat throwing a game. The fans break his Golden Leg and his boss, Patrick Tse, refuses to pay him off. So he becomes a drunk. Many years later he comes across Stephen Chow, a Shaolin practitioner who wants to teach people to use kung fu for everyday living. But no one's interested and he's a ragged bum. Ng sees the power of his legs, and falls in with his plan. 

Zhao Wei is a young woman who uses her kung fu to make steamed buns. When Chow sees her, he is impressed (and steals some buns). He calls her beautiful, although she has terrible acne. She takes his worn-out ratty shoes as payment for the buns.

Now, Chow needs a team. He manages to convince his brothers, also kung fu experts in a variety of specialities, to join as well - there is an open entry tournament with a cash prize that seals the deadl. So they begin playing a demo game, and get clobbered, until they remember that they are Shaolin. Then they destroy the opposing team.

Also, Wei gets herself fancied up for Chow, but he liked her better before. She gets fired around her. But that may help her get her skin cleared up.

In fact, they go all the way to the finals - vs. Ng's old nemesis, Team Evil. It's a dirty game, and their goalie is taken out. They are about to forfeit, when Wei appears, with clear skin and a shaved head, ready to play.

This synopsis is sort of beside the point. The point is amazing stunts of kung fu integrated into soccer and other daily pursuits. The movie is often surreal - costumes might change arbitrarily, characters might comment on the movie they're in, and so on. That's not even to mention the impossible wire-fu/CGI-fu involved. 

It's also funny as heck. Maybe his best, edging out Kung Fu Hustle. 

Chan the Man

I went to another library book sale to pick out some cheap DVDs, including The Black Camel (1931), a Warner Oland Charlie Chan movie.

The movie is set in Honolulu, and at least partly filmed there. Movie star Dorothy Revier is making a movie, but seems distraught. She gets her psychic adviser, Bela Lugosi, to come and help her out. Her friend Sally Eilers is worried that Lugosi isn't a good influence. 

Oland as Chan enters undercover as a Chinese merchant, asking to see Lugosi. But Lugosi sees through the act, and Oland tells him that he is investigating the death of an actor a few years earlier. And then Revier is found murdered, and Eilers is acting pretty suspicious, especially since her boyfriend found the body.

I've seen a few Charlie Chans, and most have been stinkers. This one was much better. The location shooting is plain to see, not just because Diamond Head is in the background. It looked like there would even be a hula scene, but sadly, we only see some schoolgirls watching something that isn't shown. The comic relief wasn't Number One Son, but a police assistant (Otto Yamaoka?). His bit is to run in with a piece of irrelevant evidence, usually when Chan is in the middle of figuring something out. Oland tells him to go find something else, and he rushes off. It's a pretty good gag.

Lugosi is good here, as a suave psychic, and -- SPOILER -- and not the villain! All in all, very worth watching.