No Tale for Dead Men

Bet you didn’t know there was a fifth Pirates movie: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017). Maybe not even the fourth. I actually like these pretty well - maybe better than the second and third, because so little Orlando and Kiera. This one doesn’t even have that much Johnny Depp. But what there is is cherce.

Remember how Orlando Bloom is cursed as master of their Flying Dutchman, and he can only set foot on land one day a decade? Well, his son (Brenton Thwaites) thinks he can use the Trident of Poseident to free him. So he goes to sea to search for it - for around 10 years. He thinks maybe Captain Jack Sparrow can help find it.

While searching for Sparrow, he comes across Kaya Scodelario, a scholar who is going to be hanged as a witch for being smart. On her way to the gallows, she runs into an attempted bank robbery in progress - the impenetrable bank vault is opened and a very drunk Jack Sparrow is found inside. His men get a line on the vault, and in a move borrowed from a Fast and Furious movie, drags it down the street behind a team of horse. Too bad all the money falls out.

So Sparrow is deserted by his crew (he lost his ship a while ago) and is pretty down and out - he even sells his magic compass for a drink. That alerts ghost pirate hunter Javier Bardem to his whereabouts. So he will be the big bad in this movie, with a cool head of CGI hair floating like he was underwater.

So we have two new young people, one a classic clever woman, Depp acting drunk for all of his screen time, Paul McCartney (Macca!) as Depp’s uncle (Keefer’s brother?), and only a touch of Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly. With the usual swashbuckling and magic. It wasn’t great but it worked for me.