Rock Quake

We watched San Andreas (2015) for one reason: The Rock. Also, so we wouldn’t have to watch him in Baywatch.

San Andreas starts with a girl texting while driving along a narrow canyon road - but that’s fine. Nothing bad happens to her until an earthquake sends her car plummeting over the edge, then getting stuck on a twig, dangling over a precipice. Call out the rescue helicopter!

The chopper is manned by Dwayne Johnson among others, and of course he overcomes great odds to extract the girl and save her. But I wish he had roped her in right away, rather than fussing about for 15 minutes first. I suspect his technique is terrible. Also, in a recurring theme, there is a problem with the copter that is going to be fatal in 30 seconds, but when they rescue the girl, it goes away. Theme: Problem, then worse problem, worse problem solved, first problem forgotten.

Any way, the Rock goes home to his humble abode and calls his daughter - this expositions the setup: Johnson and his wife (Carla Gugino) are divorced, and she and their teenaged daughter (Alexandra Daddario) are living with a wealthy builder, Ioaon Gruffud (Fantastic Four). Johnson isn’t happy about this, but he’s a mensch. That’s because he’s the Rock.

In the background, a team of scientists lead by Paul Giamatti and Will Yun Lee think they can predict earthquakes and head out to Hoover Dam to do some tests. Guess what? They do detect an earthquake, right before it destroys the dam and kill Lee. But they do wind up predicting that the entire fault from LA to SF is going to blow and soon.

Which is too bad, because daughter has gone to SF with Gruffud. There she meets Australian job seeker Hugo Johnstone-Burt (Miss Fisher’s Hugh) and his cute younger brother Art Parkinson. Good thing, too, because when the quakes start, she gets trapped, and Gruffud doesn’t stick around to save her. But Johnstone-Burt gets her out with clear thinking and gumption.

Now, everything is coming apart. Johnson and ex-wife are coming to save them in choppers, planes, trains, and pickups. How they get these conveyances is another issue with the movie: our heroes are always commandeering useful gear for themselves, and rarely spare a moment to think of the greater good. Sure, you need a truck to get to San Francisco. Maybe whoever owns that truck needs it to rescue a gradeschool class or something. Daughter knows where to get the rescue pack from a fire engine, but it isn’t an abandoned fire engine - the fire fighters are right there. Did you consider they might need the walkie-talkie?

Never mind, there an earthquake and a tsunami. Johnson and Gugino hi-jack a boat to get out of the Bay and into open water, but it doesn't look like they'll make it. And just when it looks like they will be wiped out by the tsunami, suddenly a freighter is bearing down on them! And when they narrowly avoid the freighter, it turns out that the tsunami wasn't that bad... Any way.

Obviously, the cool thing about this movie isn't the plot logic or scientific accuracy - it's the falling down buildings and tidal waves and the Rock being awesome. And it's got that all over. I truly love the current Dwayne Johnson persona - the strong man who is totally righteous. Friendly, kind, helpful, and encouraging. Plus, he's just huge. So, I'll admit it - I watched Baywatch on the airplane and kind of liked it.

We liked this a lot too. But we do live in San Francisco, and some parts of this were a little real. After the big one, we'll be going "Too soon, San Andreas."