Room Reno

It was funny  watching The Doorman (2020) right after Hokum. Both take place mostly in a closed hotel. Not many other similarities. This is your basic one-woman army action movie. 

It starts with our heroine, Ruby Rose, as one of the guards in a limo convoy for a high government official and her young daughter. They are ambushed and massacred. Only she survives. Then she wakes up. SPOILER - this has pretty much nothing to do with the rest of the movie, it just establishes that she has PTSD.

Since she is apparently out of the Army, she needs a new job. Her uncle is a handyman in a New York hotel and gets her a job as doorman. The other doorman is a cheerful Slav played by Aksel Henning. Since the hotel is being closed for renovation, the job will be pretty easy. 

It turns out that her brother-in-law (Rupert Evans) is living in the hotel with his young daughter and teen son. The wife, Rose's sister, is dead, and she is not in communication with them. Her uncle set her up for a reconciliation. She does meet and the little girl is so cute, she agrees to have Easter dinner with them. The hotel will be closed, leaving with only this family staying over for the holiday and an older couple who can't easily move.

And so, with everyone else out, Rose comes in with a pie, and Henning kills her uncle in the locker room. Then he invites in Jean Reno and a group of thugs. He has business with that old couple. The old man has some paintings that he wants. The hitch is that he has had a stroke and can't remember where they are hidden. So this may take a while. And the search may include Rose's family's apartment. 

The rest is pretty rote. Some cat-and-mouse stuff. The little girl is taken hostage. The teen learns that fighting is hard. The hotel is locked up and comms are cut so our heroes can't get out or call for help. And so on. 

Reno is that well-mannered, world-weary and ruthless criminal. He also seems pretty checked out - doesn't really light up the screen. Henning is pretty good as a fun seeming guy who is a total killer. I like Rose a lot. She looks fierce and credible in her fight scenes. 

But, let's face it. This isn't a great movie. It is nicely stripped down - maybe could have stripped out the prologue - but doesn't break new ground. Oh well, I like a female-led action films, even when they let me down. But here's a question - does this count since Ruby Rose is gender fluid?

Maybe this should go into the "blue-collar occupation titled action movies" genre, like The Courier, The Mechanic and The Beekeeper. 

Haunted Hotel

Ms. Spenser has a cold, which means she doesn't have the strength to work, which means she gets to watch a movie - a horror movie: Hokum (2026).

Hokum starts in a desert. A conquistador with a treasure map in a bottle is trekking a wasteland, followed by a boy. When he feels he is close, he finds out that he can't get the map out of the bottle - and he can't break the bottle because everything around is soft. So he has the kid turn around, and gets ready to use his skull to break the bottle.

Then you find out that this is a story, being written by Scott Adams. He lives in a sterile, modernist house, and he's stuck on the ending. He decides that it's time to spread his parents ashes, and decides on Ireland, in a place where they were happy.

He shows up in Ireland at a little hotel and is immediately a jerk to everyone - the desk clerk, the owner telling ghost stories to the kids, the bellboy, the groundskeeper killing the goats that keep getting up on the parked cars. He is only civil to Fiona (Florence Ordesh), the bartender. She even helps him figure out the exact location of a great tree his parents visited. 

Out in the forest, he finds the tree and leaves his parents ashes - then discovers that he has an audience. An old hippie or bum (David Wilmot) is watching him, sipping magic mushrooms in goat's milk. Seems nice.

Back at the hotel, the bellboy chats with him, and tries to get him to read his book. Scott is dismissive, and finally burns the back of the bellboys hand to get him to leave. Later, when Ordesh wants to return his tape recorder, she finds him hanged in his room. She cuts him down.

He wakes up in hospital, happy to be alive. He wants to thank Ordesh, but she's been missing since Halloween. Wilmot, the hippie, is suspected. But when Scott meets Wilmot, he thinks she is being held captive in the hotel, possibly in the honeymoon suite. 

Now, the honeymoon suite has been locked up for a few years, possibly to keep a witch in. But as the hotel is going to be closed and empty for the off season, Jerry proposes that they sneak in when everyone has left and find Ordesh. 

As you can imagine, they get locked in, and the hotel is not empty. There is at least one human villian, and more than likely, some who are not human. 

It's more than a little weird watching Scott in a non-comic role. He starts out so obnoxious, you wonder if you should be laughing. In fact, a lot of the movie is sort of maybe funny, before it gets hairy. 

And it gets quite hairy. As usual, the witch is the least of the problems - it's the humans that are really evil (Ms. Spenser is tired of this, and prefers real ghosts and monsters). The setting, an old hotel with some hidden features, is used pretty effectively. I have to say, there isn't a lot of Irishism going on, but that's probably for the best. At the risk of spoiling -SPOILER- there is a possible explanation for all the odd stuff going on - mushroom milk. 

And in the end, Scott re-writes the end to his story. The conquistador offers his own head to break the bottle and he and the kid embrace. 

Down by the Ocean

I'd never heard of Celebration at Big Sur (1971) before I saw a mention on Reddit. So I looked it up on Youtube, and there it was. It was a commercially released film about a folk/rock concert that took place at Esalen about a month after Woodstock. The stars included Joan Baez, CSNY, and Joni Mitchell, but they weren't the only stars.

Esalen, by the way, is a holistic study center in Big Sur. They held a small yearly folk-oriented festival, but the one in 1969 generated a lot of interest, due to the sensation that was Woodstock. Because it's sort of perched on a steep slope above the ocean, there was only room for a few hundred people. There was no publicity, and tickets were an outrageous $4. Thousands showed up and camped out on the shoulders of Rt. 1. Surprisingly, the outsiders were pretty well-behaved.

Joan Baez sang a few autobiographical songs: Song for David, about her husband jailed for antiwar activism, and Sir Galahad, about her sister Mimi's second husband. CSNY does a rocking version of Sea of Madness, and Down by the River, and Stephen Stills does a solo acoustic 4+20. John Sebastian sings I'll Paint Rainbows All Over Your Blues. Joni Mitchell sings Woodstock (first performance?), although I question her choice to end with some scat-yodelling. Mimi Farina and Julie Payne do Changes, and Carol Cisneros does a nice Mexican tune, Malaguena Salerosa. 

The hottest act, however, was Dorothy Combs Morrison and the Combs Sisters. They are sometimes credited as the Edwin Hawkins Singers, but I think that's because she sang Oh Happy Day with them. She is a strong gospel singer and sings three or four songs, including Oh Happy Day.

Mixed in with the music are behind the scenes vignettes and "interviews" with some of the non-attendants outside the venue. "Interviews" in quotes, because mostly they sorted of pointed the camera at them and let them rap. A science teacher in face paint talked about teaching in schools and on the road. He liked schools because he gets paid and has tenure. But he has painted his school bus (with a big "Woodstock") and plans to teach on the road. He has a little boy playing harmonica so he can dance during the discussion. "Twanger guy" played two notes on his little folk instrument and kind of improvised a blues tune about visiting his friend in LA and driving up to Big Sur. 

Twanger guy also talks about how tickets should be free. Inside, a disturbed man rails against greedy musicians getting paid for the concert, so Stephen Stills comes down to discuss it with him. It doesn't go well. 

There's also a scene in the hot springs bath that Esalen is famous for, with some far-out harmony singing. One person, not a fan of the baths, calls them smelly, sulferous, and hot. In another, someone spots a whale in the ocean, and everyone crowds around the cliff-side, rather dangerously. And so on.

I wish we got to hear more of the music. It was pretty hot. All the stuff with the fans and outsiders was actually kind of fun - at least I liked it. But I'd rather hear more Joni Mitchell. 

One for Me

I mainly watched The Three Musketeers: Milady (2023) for completeness sake. It's a sequel, and I wasn't completely sold by the first entry. WAs this one better, or was I just in the right mood. 

It starts where the last one left off: Constance (Luna Khoudri) has been kidnapped and D'Artagnan (Francois Civil) knocked out. He wakes up, captive of Gaston, the King's younger brother and main villain of the piece. He escapes and goes off to search for Constance. He thinks he's found her, but it turns out to be Milady (Eva Green), shackled and chained. She promises that she can help him find Constance, so he breaks her out. Of course, she tries to seduce him, but he stays faithful to his Constance. 

After a few more fights, she tries again, literally ripping her bodice off. This time, he doesn't resist as hard - until he sees the fleur de lis branded on her shoulder. He then realizes that she is Athos' treacherous wife, supposedly dead.

Meanwhile, Aramis discovers that his sister, now a nun, is pregnant. He decides that the father is a soldier now fighting at La Rochelle. In fact, many of the characters decide that the next step is towards La Rochelle. 

The main thing I liked about this entry is the fights. There were lots of long, no cut, handheld scenes. These were well choreographed as well as well shot. The plots were a bit complex - maybe I need to more versed in French history. But Milady made a great femme fatale, sympathetic until she tried to kill you. Constance is missing from most of the movie, so she's not as much fun. 

And if you don't mind a SPOILER, it ends with Athos' son captured. So I guess there is space for a third entry. 

The Ghost Who Walks

I rewatched The Phantom (1996) because I wanted to see if it was as bad as it's considered - including by me. 

It stars Billy Zane as the Phantom, Kit Walker. The movie's prologue tells about how a young boy survived a 17th C. pirate attack off the coast of Africa. He was rescued by a Bengalla tribe who raised him to fight piracy and injustice. This role was passed down from father to son for generations, making it appear that the Phantom is immortal.

In the present day (well, 1930s), a gang of tomb raiders led by James Remar are driving through the jungle, Sorcerer-style. They get the skull McGuffin they were sent for, but Billy Zane in his purple skin-tight suit comes riding through the jungle on his white horse, aided by his wolf devil. There is a long, fun action scene, including a collapsing bridge and some vine swinging. In the process, we find that Remar killed Zane's father, and thinks he has come back to life.

Back in New York, plucky reporter Kristy Swanson is meeting her uncle Bill Smitrovich, a newspaper publisher in cozy walnut paneled rooms. She wants to investigate the shadowy business man Treat Williams. A spiderweb symbol links him to pirates in Bengalla, so she gets a plane to Africa. Unfortunately, thee pirates are now air pirates.

The pirates, led by sultry Catherine Zeta Jones, forces them down, and takes them to her Bengalla hideout. So now we've got two sexy women for the Phantom to dally with. 

When he gets Swanson back to New York, we find out that in his civilian identity, he went to school with Swanson, and they had a fling. But the smoldering attraction must wait on some more McGuffin related adventures.

This movie has a bunch of great action scenes, including a jump from seaplane pontoon to galloping horse. There are some beautiful jungle settings, great second unit photography, and the New York scenes have a lovely old-timey upper class warmth. The cast is great, including Patrick McGoohan as the ghost of Zane's character, and Samantha Eggar as Swanson's mother. There are even a couple of great animal actors. So why wasn't this great? There were air pirates, for goodness sake.

Well, Zane looked more than a bit goofy in the skin-tight purple outfit. But I think the main problem was that it was originally planned for Joe Dante, and he co-wrote a campy script. When he lost the film (due to budget issues), the new director, Simon Wincer, didn't seem to realize that it was supposed to be silly. With a little more self-awareness, it might have worked. There are still some humor, and we don't want Zane winking at the camera, but this needed to take itself less seriously or more. 

Still pretty fun. This is one of the movies that were chasing the success of Dick Tracy. Like The Shadow and The Rocketeer, it didn't quite work - but it's still worth watching. 

Selling Drugs in the Community

I love Michael Jai White, so I watch a random movie of his every now and then. Most recently, Oscar Shaw (2026).

Shaw (White) is a retired police detective. We meet him meditating at home, then dressing in a nice suit, boutonniere and everything. He walks down to the neighborhood bar to chat with the bartender (Isiah Washington), another retired cop. He meets up with his retired ex-partner Tyrese Gibson, who is meeting with a suave Cuban-cigar passing-out Columbian (who will surely turn out to be the big villain). 

But all is not well in his town. A Korean grocery store is held up, one owner killed, and a young woman kidnapped. He decides to investigate on his own, and try to find her. His sister wants him to let the police take care of it, but he won't talk to them. The chief forced him out of his position, making him take the fall for internal corruption. We see drug dealing and shootouts in the street, and like someone says to White, "things were safer when you were on the job."

I'm not going to run down the plot. This is a pretty lurid movie, with a lot of violence. And White, with his classy outfit, calm competence and meditation, is a great presence, maybe a bit over the top. But here's the problem: there is almost no fighting in this. He does disarm and shoot a roomful of baddies, but it ends with him disarming one last gunman by talking him out of it. Nice touch, but I want to see this talented martial artist dance.

I guess this was a fine movie, but without White's presence, I wouldn't have bothered. In fact, if I'd know they'd left out his martial artistry, I probably wouldn't have bothered. I'm seeing more of these movies (like Dead Zone), and it's bumming me out. I'll be more careful from here on out. 

The Apple, My Eye

I've listened to several bad movie podcasts about The Apple (1980). Or maybe just one, but it was such a bad movie, it seemed like several.

It's basically a near-future disco dystopia. The future seems to be controlled by the Global Vision Song Contest (an expansion of the Euro Vision?). An evil impressario called Mr. Boogalow (Vladek Sheybal) controls it from behind the scenes, along with a flamboyant Ruby Rod type producer. Their band is called BIM. They make a sort of neo-fascist disco new wave music, very popular with the kids. But the Canadian entry is an acoustic duet made up of Alphie (George Gilmour) and Bibi (Catherine Mary Stewart). They sing a sweet and heartfelt ballad, which would have beaten BIM, if they weren't sabotaged.

So Boogalow decides to co-opt them, and invites them to a big, decadent after-party. Alphie isn't into it, but Bibi is. Soon, Bibi is singing for BIM and Alphie is out. He is living in a tiny apartment, renting from Mariam Margoyles (Nursie from Blackadder). She convinces him to go after Bibi. 

He gets her free from the BIMsters, and they follow an old hippy into a cave below an underpass. After some time, during which Alphie grows a beard and Bibi has a baby, Mr. Boogalow finds them, and wants Bibi to finish her contract. What will they do?

OK, you asked for it. SPOILER - The old hippie shows up driving a Rolls-Royce through the sky. He is now cleaned up and called Mr. Topps. And he takes all the good people up to heaven, because he is the creator of the universe, and he's going to try again. This time without the evil Mr. Boogalow and his Apple (which really doesn't do much in this story). 

Well, this is a pretty incoherent story, but also, the music is quite bad. The dystopian aspect include cheap hologram BIM stickers that you are required by law to put on your face. So evil, so trendy. This is a Cannon film, written and directed by Menachem Globus. Let me tell you, he's no Roger Corman.

Colour Me Surprised

As a big Terry Pratchett fan, I was pretty psyched to find The Colour of Magic (2008). Discovering that the cast included Sean Astin, Tim Curry (recently deceased at time of writiing), Christopher Lee and Jeremy Irons was just a bonus. 

To start off, the story takes place on Discworld, a flat planet perched on four elephants, on the back of an enormous space turtle named A'Tuin. Scientists on the edge of the world are studying A'Tuin, and are planning to launch an extra-disc space expedition to determine A'Tuin's sex. This will become important later. 

We now come to Ankh-Morpork, the disc's largest and most corrupt city. David Jason plays Rincewind, the most inept wizard in the Unseen University. We meet him as he is being expelled. While he is failing to commit suicide, he runs into Sean Astin, playing Twoflower, a Discworld's first tourist. As a tourist, he wears a bright tee-shirt and speaks slowly and loudly. He also has a trunk on feet made of Sapient Pearwood that is filled with gold coins. Rincewind quickly signs on as his tour guide. 

At the university, the wizards are all vying to improve their standing in the hierarchy, and the only way to move is "dead man's pointy shoes." Assassination abounds, and Tim Curry, Trymon, is an expert, aiming to become Arch-Chancellor. One thing he'll need it to master the greatest spellbook in the disc, the Octavo. The problem is that one of it's eight spells is gone. It lives in Rincewind's head. In fact, it fills his head to the point that he can't master any other spells. That's why he was expelled.

So, Rincewind and Twoflower are running around the disc, Twoflower trying to see the sights, Rincewind trying to stay alive. But as a tourist, Twoflower is strangely impervious to danger, and the spell in Rinceworld's head seems to protect him. He keeps running into Death, but not dying. They get accidentally launched into space (as mentioned). They run into the most feared man on the disc, Cohen the Barbarian (David Bradley, now old and toothless, but deadly as ever. He even rescues a beautiful virgin from being sacrificed, Laura Haddock. 

But there seems to be an evil red star in the sky, and it's getting bigger. If only the wizards had control of the eight spells in the Octavo to save Discworld. Oh, well.

This "movie" is actually a two part series by the BBC, directed by Vadim Jean. He also directed the earlier Hogfather. That is a "Christmas" movie (or Hogmanny) and we watch it every year. Strangely, I haven't posted about Hogfather, but I have posted about this movie! Funny, I didn't remember that we'd seen it at all. Well, it was fifteen years ago. This post doesn't really add much, but I've already written it so I'll let it stand.

Hit Me One More Time

I remembered liking the remake (?), so I thought I'd give the original a shot: Hitman (2007). This version have Timothy Olyphant as Agent 47.

The agents are children, possibly genetically modified, raised to be assassins, with a barcode tattooed on the back of the neck. Olyphant gets an assignment to kill the Russian president Ulrich Thomsen, and to do it with a splash - he prefers to make it look like an accident. He completes the mission, but his superiors tell him that Thomsen survived, and also that a bystander, Olga Kurylenko, knows too much and must be killed.

But when he meets her, he can tell she had never seen him before. Then, someone tries to kill him, and he realizes that he has been set up. Kurylenko lets him know that Thomsen uses a body double. It turns out that the double ordered the hit on the real Thomsen, so he could take his place.

So Olyphant and Kurylenko go on the run, from both Thomsen and from the law.

As an action movie, this was fine - the action was about standard. It didn't feel quite as cool as I expected, although well-dressed bald assassins are always worth a few points. The best part was seeing logical, emotionless killing machine Agent 47 finding himself feeling for Kurlyenko. He is human after all. 

But I think I like the 2015 version better. I don't know if the director, Xavier Gens, wasn't up to it, or if I liked Rupert Friend better as Agent 47. Maybe it just had a better budget.

Fall of the Roman Movie

I picked up The Last Legion (2007) thinking it was either Centurion or The Eagle. I can never remember those titles. If it wasn't, I figured it was sort of based on the same Lost Legion story. It kind of is, but mostly not. Oh well, at least Ben Kingsley is in it.

It starts by telling the myth of a famous sword, forged in Britain, to be wielded by the ruler of the Roman Empire. Then we go to Rome, and meet Thomas Brodie-Sangster, a little Roman street kid, who sneaks into General Colin Firth's tent ot check out his sword. He is caught and is about to get his hand chopped off, when Ben Kingsley shows up, does a little kung fu, and takes him back to the palace. You see, he is actually the young Caesar, about to be crowned that day.

But these are the last days of the Roman Empire, and the Goths, led by Peter Mullan, take the city. They kill Brodie-Sangster's parents and are about to kill him, when Kingsley convinces them that he will be more useful as a hostage than as a martyr. He also uses some gobbledegook about omens and curses. So the kid and Kingley sent to prison on Capri. 

But Colin Firth and a few of his legionnaires are still alive, and are on the trail. With the help of a mysterious Eastern warrior, they set him free. But where can they go? The Eastern Empire has made a deal with the Goths, all Gaul and Germania are in their power, and only the famous 9th Legion in northern England is still loyal to Rome. So off they go.

But when they get to Hadrian's Wall, they find a desolate ruin. A nearby town has nothing but British farmers - or so it seems. Some are legionnaires who have married and gone native. After all, the empire deserted them. It's a good life, but they are threatened by a local warlord called Vortgyrn. This time, will they prevail?

On paper, this sounds fine - a kid's adventure, with lots of derring-do, great actors, and exotic locales. Sadly, it is not. Although there is a lot of action, it is all completely bloodless, to stay kid friendly, I guess. Kingsley's mystical character is hobbled by having him spout all kinds of pseudo-spiritual nonsense, sometimes in extended monologues. Nobody gets much characterization, except to be super evil or noble. The mysterious Eastern warrior I mentioned turns out to be a beautiful Indian woman trained in a martial art that doesn't exist. 

There was one instance of humor that I enjoyed - Firth is ready to fight off a three or four Goths, then four or five more show up, and he's still game. When a dozen more join the fight, he does this "Oh, for the love of..." expression that got a chuckle out of me. 

The end (SPOILER - Kinglsey is Merlin. The sword is Excaliber. Brodie-Sangster is Arthur's grandfather) is not bad. I liked the fall of Rome setting. Some kids might like this. I didn't.

Nuts in Mayhem

I picked Mayhem (2017) up on the strength of its category, Comedy-Horror, and its stars, Stephen Yuen and Samara Weaving. Good choice.

It opens with Yuen explaining the setup: a new virus has become pandemic. It causes a loss of all inhibitions, making people act out their every urg, including lust and anger. It turns at least one eye red, hence its nickname, Red-eye. It doesn't kill you, but someone else might. 

Yuen is a young idealistic partner at a prestigious law firm. When they are defending a man who killed someone in the grip of the virus, he finds the loophole that leads to a ruling of diminished capacity: Someone with red-eye can't be held responsible, even for murder. So he's become a big man in the firm.

He has a meeting with Samara Weaving, representing a group of home owners being foreclosed on. Yuen basically blows her off and has security escort her out. But it turns out he has bigger problems. 

It seems there was a mistake made on the Vanda Corp account, and he is being set up to take the fall. It was probably Caroline Chikezie, known as the Siren for whispering poisonous rumors to the higher-ups. They take it to the lead partner, and long story short, Yuen is fired. The HR goon known as the Reaper comes to deliver the news and has him escorted out.

But right about now, red-eye has been detected in the air system of the building. The building is put on complete quarantine. They are trapped - and also infected. That's one of the fun parts of this movie. I had guessed that it was one of those zombie movies, where our protagonists are the only ones who aren't infected. Nope - they've got it too. And they both want revenge. And until the quarantine is lifted, they have legal immunity to do it. 

And so begins their fight to ascend to the top level, protected by key card elevators and corporate goons. They arm themselves from a tool cage. Weaving looks particularly fetching wielding a nailgun. This all plays out with pandemonium in the background - people throwing folders in the air, copulating freely, fighting or just taking a nap. And of course, our protagonists are no more sane than the rest, just a bit more calculating. 

This was a fun gore-fest with quite a bit of social satire mixed in. I liked the fact that Yuen and Weaving were as affected as everyone else. Made for a little cute humor. We've seen one other movie by director Joe Lynch, Suitable Flesh. We liked the humor in this more.

Cat Fever

I probably saw Cat Ballou (1965) once or twice as a kid, but it was Ms. Spenser who clued me into how awesome it was - because of the Greek chorus of Stubby Kaye and Nat "King" Cole.

It starts with these two banjo players waiting for Cat Ballou (Jane Fonda) to be hanged, and telling her story in ballad style. Her story starts when she gets out of school, trained as a teacher. She got on a train to go see her dad in Wyoming, when she meets a convict (Michael Callan) being taken to prison and a drunk preacher. The preacher turns out to be the uncle of Callan, (Dwayne Hickman) and he helps him get free of his guard. Callan takes refuge in Fonda's sleeper bunk. She is too kind to scream, but he does take liberties - oh, well, he's soon out the window and gone from her life forever.

Fonda gets home and finds her father (John Marley) as cantankerous as ever. But his ranch is threatened by the developers of Wolf City. His only ally is an Indian, Tom Nardini, who he considers Jewish, as the Indians were the lost tribe of Israel. Soon the outlaws show up and are enlisted to resist the developers - until a gunslinger with a silver nose (Lee Marvin) shows up. Now, they're ready to face the law.

But Nardini suggests that they hire a gunslinger of their own. Based on the Western dime novels they read, they hire Kid Shaleen (also Lee Marvin). He shows up a drunken bum, barely able to hold his gun. But a big gulp of booze sets him right, and he's a dead shot. It lasts about 10 minutes before he's too drunk to function, as Callan says, "I've never seen a man get through a day so fast."

Sadly, he is sleeping it off when Fonda's dad is shot from afar. So Fonda does the only sensible. She takes her "gang" and starts robbing trains. 

This is a fun little comedy Western. Fonda is spunky and a little sexy - all the men are clearly in love with her, although only Callan courts her openly. In fact, Nardini quietly leaves, gently letting her know that as an Indian, he needs to stay away from her. It's also just a little darker than expected, with a few deaths taken seriously. I wonder if Fonda gets the drop in the last scene?

Kicking the Gong

Of course I've seen Stephen Chao's Shaolin Soccer (2001). But I guess I've never blogged it, so here goes. I got the urge to see it again, and got it from Hoopla.

It starts with Team Evil soccer star Ng Man-Tat throwing a game. The fans break his Golden Leg and his boss, Patrick Tse, refuses to pay him off. So he becomes a drunk. Many years later he comes across Stephen Chow, a Shaolin practitioner who wants to teach people to use kung fu for everyday living. But no one's interested and he's a ragged bum. Ng sees the power of his legs, and falls in with his plan. 

Zhao Wei is a young woman who uses her kung fu to make steamed buns. When Chow sees her, he is impressed (and steals some buns). He calls her beautiful, although she has terrible acne. She takes his worn-out ratty shoes as payment for the buns.

Now, Chow needs a team. He manages to convince his brothers, also kung fu experts in a variety of specialities, to join as well - there is an open entry tournament with a cash prize that seals the deadl. So they begin playing a demo game, and get clobbered, until they remember that they are Shaolin. Then they destroy the opposing team.

Also, Wei gets herself fancied up for Chow, but he liked her better before. She gets fired around her. But that may help her get her skin cleared up.

In fact, they go all the way to the finals - vs. Ng's old nemesis, Team Evil. It's a dirty game, and their goalie is taken out. They are about to forfeit, when Wei appears, with clear skin and a shaved head, ready to play.

This synopsis is sort of beside the point. The point is amazing stunts of kung fu integrated into soccer and other daily pursuits. The movie is often surreal - costumes might change arbitrarily, characters might comment on the movie they're in, and so on. That's not even to mention the impossible wire-fu/CGI-fu involved. 

It's also funny as heck. Maybe his best, edging out Kung Fu Hustle. 

Chan the Man

I went to another library book sale to pick out some cheap DVDs, including The Black Camel (1931), a Warner Oland Charlie Chan movie.

The movie is set in Honolulu, and at least partly filmed there. Movie star Dorothy Revier is making a movie, but seems distraught. She gets her psychic adviser, Bela Lugosi, to come and help her out. Her friend Sally Eilers is worried that Lugosi isn't a good influence. 

Oland as Chan enters undercover as a Chinese merchant, asking to see Lugosi. But Lugosi sees through the act, and Oland tells him that he is investigating the death of an actor a few years earlier. And then Revier is found murdered, and Eilers is acting pretty suspicious, especially since her boyfriend found the body.

I've seen a few Charlie Chans, and most have been stinkers. This one was much better. The location shooting is plain to see, not just because Diamond Head is in the background. It looked like there would even be a hula scene, but sadly, we only see some schoolgirls watching something that isn't shown. The comic relief wasn't Number One Son, but a police assistant (Otto Yamaoka?). His bit is to run in with a piece of irrelevant evidence, usually when Chan is in the middle of figuring something out. Oland tells him to go find something else, and he rushes off. It's a pretty good gag.

Lugosi is good here, as a suave psychic, and -- SPOILER -- and not the villain! All in all, very worth watching. 

Luc Besson's Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula

Did you know that Luc Besson made a Dracula (2025) movie last year? Us neither. But I was willing to give it a shot. based on that alone.

Dracula is played by Caleb Landry Jones. The movie starts with Jones going to war against the Ottomans, ordering his priest to tell God to protect his beloved Zoe Bleu. When he returns and finds Bleu dead, he kills the priest, renouces God, and so becomes a vampire. That's all it took.

He will use his immortality to search for the reincarnation of Bleu. Wasn't that the Mummy's deal, not Dracula? He develops a special cologne that women can't resist, so that will help with the search.

Much later, Jonathan Harker (Ewens Abid) visits Castle Dracula about a land deal. Jones is now in extreme old age makeup, with a wig very similar to the one Oldman wore in Coppola' Dracula. He sees a locket with a portrait of Harker's intended, Mina, and realizes that she is the one he has been seeking, Zoe Bleu come back to life. 

So he has his CGI gargoyles hold him prisoner and sets off the Paris for find her. A little blood, and he's looking like a young dandy again, and is soon courting Bleu and trying to get her to rmember her past life.

But Abid has gotten free of the gargoyles and found Father Christoph Waltz, vampire hunter. Not van Helsing, though. He was Jewish, Walz is Catholic. But will they be able to save Bleu?

This is a good looking but odd movie. The gargoyles, the perfume, the non-van-Helsing, and so many other details that don't quite belong. But other details seem to come from other movies, to the extent that I wondered if there were elements of parody in Besson's plan. 

But I think the main impetus for this movie was to allow Caleb Landry Jones to go wild, with multiple make-up and acting styles. We haven't seen him in much (X-Men: First Class), but he seems to be fun to watch. The rest of the movie is luxurious and lovely, but that might be more of the Coppola homage. 

Not a great Dracula, but not bad. I can see how Nosferatu overshadowed it. 

Downfall of the Goofer Dust Man

I've known about Scott Joplin as a brilliant composer of ragtine since at least The Sting. I may even have known that he composed an opera in 1910. But I just found out that Treemonisha (1982) was staged and recorded, and is available on Archive.org. So I queued it up.

This is the story of an educated black girl in a small Southern town in the late 19th century. It starts with a conjure man named Zodzetrick is trying to sell a bag of luck to Treemonisha's mother Monisha, who is a bit susceptible. But her husband Ned shoos him off, telling him that they don't believe in superstiition. Treemonisha arrives to give Zodzetrick a lecture on dnagers of superstition. 

The Pastor Alltalk comes and preaches to the people - and while he has them distracted, Zodzetrick kidnaps Treemonisha. They plan to throw her into a giant wasp nest, for the crime of opposing their conjure scam. 

But her boyfriend Cletus uses a scarecrow to dress as a demon, and rescues her. The third act is a big celebration, with Treemonisha pleading for the conjure conmen to be treated with mercy and released. Zodzetrick promises never to reform - but he does get out fast. 

Now, this isn't a "ragtime opera". It is mostly an opera in the classic European tradition, with some touches of ragtime, spirituals, cakewalks, etc (a little too early for blues). I loved the music in general - more than most operas, I would say.  But I should also note that the version I watched did not have subtitles. I can't understand "operese" very well, so I didn't get all the plot. But I did hear Zotzetrick refer to himself as "The goofer dust man, king of goofer dust land!"

But I did get the dancing. This production, by the Houston Grand Opera, was great, with some very impressive dancing, including a second act "ballet". 

So, a fun musical evening. Sadly, Joplin never saw a staged production, and his self-staged read-through with piano accompaniment lost him money. So glad we have this record. 

Master Class

I have never watched a He-Man or She-Ra cartoon, nor have I seen the Dolph Lundgren movie, But I do like big dumb action movies, so I figured I'd give Masters of the Universe (2026) a shot. 

It starts on the planet Eternia, a perfect land of beauty and heroes presided over by Castle Greyskull. Prince Adam is being trained by Duncan (Idris Elba) and his daughter Teela. He is young, small, unserious and not a good fencer. His father, King Rando, is ashamed. Then Skeletor and his army attack. 

Duncan, the king's Man-at-Arms, promises to hold the castle, but fails. At the last moment, the little prince is given the magic sword and tossed into a portal to Earth. On his way down, he loses the sword.

When we next meet him, he is a young adult played by Nicholas Galitzine. He is on a first date, telling the girl about his past, the story above. She leaves in a hurry. He works in HR, but spends too much time searching for the lost sword. He finally finds it the hands of a heroic statue in a comic book store. When he grabs it and says the magic words - nothing. The store wants it back, so he absconds with it.

But it looks like a signal gets sent to Eternia, because Galitzine is attacked by a beast man, and is in big trouble until grown up Teela (Camila Mendes) shows up to help, and takes him back to Eternia. But Eternia, under Skeletor's rule, is a burnt out dystopia. And Galitzine and Mendes are thrown in a dungeon.

In the same cell are a drunken wreck who turns out to be Idris Elba, and a robot janitor, voiced by Kristen Wiig. Galitzine recognizes her as a decommisioned war robot, and gets her to break them free. They meet up with the remaining loyal heroes. Galitzine remembers them from his childhood, but only by the silly nicknames he's given them: Fisto, Ram-Man, etc. It takes them a while to accept these, but I think it's cultural. After all, the enemy os named Skeletor and has a skull for a face, and his lieutenant is named Evil-Lynn (Alison Brie).

When they go up against Skeletor, Galitzine finds that he can call on the sword to become incredibly strong and buff. But he also wants to use the Earth skills he learned in HR: teamwork, communication, inclusivity. This is mostly just played for laughs. 

In fact, the general tone of the movie is silly. It's not all for laughs, but they definitely aren't taking any of this seriously. Sometimes it's characters striking a heroic pose and nothing happens - don't you hate that? A lot of it is making fun of the source material, like Galitzine telling people on Earth that he's a prince of Eternia, and having them think he's crazy. Or everyone hating their very basic nicknames. 

And I should mention the elephant in the room - Skeletor is played by box-office poison Jared Leto. And he isn't bad. His face is covered, which is a plus, and he reads his lines in a sort of greasy mid-Atlantic accent, sort of Vincent Price style. He's a good one for making villainous monologues and getting deflated. He met the assignment. 

In fact, most of the movie does. It doesn't do as much with Eternia as it might, but there are some backgrounds. I thought the humor and action were good, but not excellent. I'll compare this the recent D&D movie. Same idea, not as good. 

Dirty Dozen Minus One

11 Rebels (2024) is an interesting new addition to the samurai genre. Condemned criminals must hold a fort in exchange for pardons, in a Japanese civil war.

It starts with peasant Takayuki Yamada running home to find that his sister has been raped by a samurai. He finds the samurai with a buddy, drunk and pissing in the canal. So he kills him. He is quickly taken prisoner. 

Then we go behind the scenes. The local Mizoguchi clan is deciding whether to side with the old Shogun or the new Imperial Army. They plan to defect to the Imperials, but will need to hold one particular run-down fort to pull this off. They gather up ten condemned prisoners and offer them a deal: Defend the fort and be granted freedom. But if any one of them defects or deserts, they all will be killed. 

The group sets out under the leadership of two samurai. Some of them are killers, like a monster called "Cut-em-up". Some are gamblers and con artists. One is mentally deficient. It starts quiet, but they are soon besieged - by the Imperial Army, who they are supposed to support. 

At least I think that's what happens. Between the Mizoguchis, the Shogunate and the New Imperials, it gets a little confusing. Clan crests help a little, but just a little. I'm afraid I might have gotten some of the ten mixed up, too. Only a few had what I felt were strong characterizations. But that might just be me. 

The action was pretty strong, with a a decent amount of grit. Since the theme of this war was modernization, we see fights using firearms and cannon as well as swords. Also, the dummy turns out to be a fireworks expert, so they get to use some explosives. 

As a kind of Dirty Dozen pastiche, it didn't strike me as strong as it could have been. As a straight action movie, pretty enjoyable. 

White Jazz

King of Jazz (1930) is about Paul Whiteman, a man about as white as you can get. His music is also pretty white. It's not what we would call jazz - unless we are Guy Lombardo. But it was extremely popular, maybe number one in the US until Benny Goodman. This movie documents the peak of his power.

I won't talk about the plot - there isn't one. There is a cartoon, some numbers with his orchestra, some blackout skits, some small groups, Whiteman's rendition of Rhapsody in Blue, and so on. The musical numbers range from the sappy to - well, to Rhapsody, about as jazzy as it gets. There were also huge sets, camera tricks like double exposures, and the genial, avuncular and rotund band leader himself. 

One of the acts was the Rhythm Boys, with Bing Crosby, although only as one of the trio. That's about it for recognizable names, although Joe Venuti and Eddie Lang were in the band. I just didn't notice them (I think Lang got a solo - obviously didn't make a big impression.

The final number was about the American melting pot, and how it created jazz. He shows all the nationalities that came to America and influenced jazz: the English, Irish, Swedish, Scots, Danes,... Let's see, who are we leaving out? Hint: There is exactly one black person in the movie, a little black girl sitting on Whiteman's lap as a joke. 

But with all the racism, unjazzy jazz, and schmaltz, this was a fun watch. Whiteman is a charming presence, and his music isn't bad if you think of it as, say, operetta. And some of the production is boggling. One set has a giant piano that the whole orchestra fits on. Shades of 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T.

Streets of Venice

I picked up Casanova (2005) at a library DVD sale. How bad could Heath Ledger as Casanova be? Not bad at all.

It starts with Casanova as a little boy. His mother leaves him with his grandmother, and promises to come back. In the next scene, Heath Ledger is the grown-up Casanova. Mom is taking her time. 

Ledger, apparently incognito, walks through Venice, listening to scandalous gossip abouit himself. He visits his friend the Doge, who likes him, but lets him know that the church will force him into exile unless he changes his ways. So Ledger gets engaged to a beautiful blonde virgin, Natalie Dormer. 

But Ledger later runs into, and fall in love with, Sienna Miller. Miller is an intellectual, who secretly writes feminist tracts under a pseudonym. Since she abhors the libertine Casanova, he pretends to be his servant. Since her family has run out of money, she is engaged to be married to rich Patrizzio (Oliver Platt). So Ledger decides to reveal his true identity - he is Patrizzio! When the real Patrizzio shows up, Ledger and crew waylay him, tell him his hotel is closed, take him to a palazzo, steal his clothes, etc. The old sit-com run-around.

All of this is mildly amusing, and very beautiful. The movie was filmed in Venice, and uses it well. The actors are good looking, and include a few faves, like Jeremy Irons, Lena Olin, and Charlie Cox. However, I can't say this really stuck with me. The romance(s) struck me as a bit shallow (makes sense for Casanova), and the hijinks not fully "rollicking". 

All in all, a pleasant watch, but maybe not needed as part of my permanent collection.