I don't really get why they thought they had to remake Conan the Barbarian. My guess is that they wanted to do sword and sorcery but couldn't sell it unless it was based on a proven premise. If they had used an unknown story, or remade Quest of the Delta Knights, then nobody would have cared. But they had to mess with Conan.
It starts, as usual, with young Conan among his people, the Cimmerians, a simple warlike tribe. The best part, his dad, the chief, is Ron Perlman. But that ends soon, when the evil Stephen Lang and his spooky daughter Rose MacGowan come and destroy everyone but Conan. By the way, I changed my mind. MacGowan, with an eccentric hairdo, hairline tattoos, and witchy, witchy ways, is the best part.
Lang is looking for the piece of the magic thingy that the Cimmerians held sacred. With this thingy, he can rule (dare he say it?) THE WORLD! Except he needs the blood of a particular virgin, boring Rachel Nichols. Who Conan will have to save or at least help her stop being a virgin.
The whole thing is spectacularly generic. And it would have been a fine generic sword and sorcery epic - if the hero had been called King Krom or Hagar the Horrible. But don't try to pass this off as Conan.
In conclusion, Joseph Momoa, who plays Conan, has weird eyebrows.
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