Drunk v. Monk: Clash of the Titans

I believe we have already discussed Bruce Lee/Jackie Chan/Jet Li: Who is most awesome? I will not rehash that discussion here. And Bruce Lee is gone beyond. And we can watch Jackie Chan and Jet Li in The Forbidden Kingdom.

Unfortunately, Forbidden Kingdom is not their story. It is the story of Jason, a chinless wonder played by Michael Angarano, but could have been played by Shia La Beouf or that kid from Die Hard 4. He is a sad-sack from Southie who haunts a Chinatown pawnshop for kung-fu tapes and gets beat up by bullies.

One day, the bullies make him help rob the Chinese pawnbroker. He gets his hands on an iron staff and is transported to Ancient China. Finally! He quickly runs into a drunken beggar - Jackie Chan in dreadlocks. Later he meets up with a beautiful pipa (Chinese lute) playing assassin and a silent monk (Jet Li). Their mission: to return the staff to the Five Elements Castle, where Monkey has been turned into stone by the Jade Warlord.

Jet and Jackie have a few nice fights. They seem to be carefully calibrated so that neither has the upper hand. They move incredibly quickly and in perfect synch. Clearly, this movie will not resolve who is more awesome. Whoever, this movie also features some goofy fighting from Monkey, which involves a lot of wirework and putting the paws on the hips, throwing back the head and laughing.

Round-eye Jason gets martial arts training from the guys, which is not too convincing. He gets some doe-eyed glances from the gal, Swallow, played by Yifei Liu. She looks great, although she may remind you of other martial arts babes. This is not really a criticism, because the whole movie is a tribute to other martial arts movies, mostly Shaw Brothers. Bride with White Hair is referenced, and Swallow says, "Come drink with me" when she attacks, refering to the movie with another martial artist named Swallow and her drunken friend.

Great fun, but was the drippy Jake Gyllenhall/Toby MacGuire/Shia LaBeouf character really necessary? And if so, did he have to be so drippy? Couldn't he have been more of a Seth Green type? Or at least had a realistic training process where he learns and grows. Guess not.

In conclusion: Justin Long. That was the guy from Die Hard 4.