Hot Jet

When you start with Netflix, you want to get every obscure movie you've ever wanted to see: French New Wave, Italian Giallo, silent swashbucklers, Soviet realist costumers. Then, you have 350 films in your queue, and you don't really want to watch any of them. So you (meaning me, of course) go for something you know will satisfy.

Case in point: Black Mask. Jet Li is a retired member of a team of government assassins, modified for strength and to feel no pain. While he works in a library, the rest of the team decides to take over the Hong Kong drug market. When he finds out, he dresses up in a long black coat and chauffeur's hat, adds a black mask, and goes out to fight for justice.

Yes, he is dressed up like Green Hornet's Kato. And his ex-lover is named Kailin. That should give you an idea of the seriousness level of this pic. The evil mastermind looks like Ozzy Osbourne, as well, for no real reason. Also, Jet Li's love interest is a ditsy librarian played by Karen Mok, and dubbed in a very annoying voice.

The fighting is frantic, with a lot of wire work and phony looking blood. The plot makes about no sense and the assassins' traps are always goofy Rube Goldberg devices, like the bomb that they implant next to the drug lord's heart. Admittedly, it kills him, but why did they go to all the trouble to sew him back up? Silly question.

Other silly questions:

• Why all the homo-erotic references? Because he didn't seem to be interested in her, Karen Mok decided that Jet Li was gay for his policeman friend.
  
• Why do all the women end up tied in chains? Kailin does an S/M act to get close to a drug dealer, then Jet Li ties up Karen Mok.
  
• Does old-school hip-hop really go with comicbook martial arts? Thug Love, ya'll.
  

And a final pop quiz:

• Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan or Jet Li?